Outfit Justification: I threw this on because it was inspired by a picture I saw on Facebook yesterday. I didn't copy it exactly because I got dressed in 5 minutes. And just as I was walking out the door I saw that my husband was wearing the same outfit. Great, we're now the couple who dresses alike.
Almost 40, Not Yet Fabulous:
As I'm in the final 3 months of my 30's, I'm doing a lot of reflecting on the past decade. The countdown to 40 is on. And for those of you who have passed this milestone, you say it's no big deal. Well, I'm here to tell you with every decade that passes it's a big deal to me. And I'm having a tough time with it. I'm not writing this to ask for advice. Although positive comments are always welcome. I write this to explain my feelings about this and why I'm having a tough time.
When I approached 30, I was really excited. My perspective about people in their 30's were that people took them seriously. People in the 30's had a true sense of themselves and had finally grown into their own. At the time I wasn't married, but I was on the road to being engaged. I was looking forward to settling into a career. Settling into a family life of some sort. I had all the plans and goals for myself. The decade of 30 is when when I was going to fulfill a lot of those. I was full of hope. In my 30's I was still young, but able to dream about the future.
Well the past decade has given me the roller coaster of my life. There have been high's and lows like you wouldn't believe. So many things have happened that threw me for a loop. I'm not saying that my life hasn't been any different than anyone one else. Everyone goes through ups and downs. But mine felt pretty extreme since the previous decades hadn't been so eventful. In the past 9 years the following has happened: got married, traveled to places I had never been before like Hawaii, Chicago and New Orleans, went through multiple surgeries, sang lead for a rock band, got divorced, was diagnosed with depression, gained a bunch of weight, lost a bunch of weight, discovered fashion, wrote a blog about fashion, hit rock bottom, recovered from hitting rock bottom, quit a job that I thought I would grow old and retire from, got my name in the ending credits of a major movie, helped several other people get married, auditioned for a reality show, had a brief appearance on a reality show, suffered a mysterious illness for almost 7 months, offered a job in another country, closed doors on friendships and relationships, bought 2 vehicles, Got blue hair, got a tattoo, discovered a bar that was my version of Cheers that introduced me to a bunch of amazing people, gained a bunch of lifelong friends, met a person that showed me the true meaning of unconditional love and married him. It was a busy 9 years.
Now as I'm about to turn 40, I look at my life, and it's not how I pictured. I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in in my life with the most amazing husband. It's not the person I thought I would be with, but I'm happier than I've ever been with anyone I've dated. I don't have children, and the urge to have them never really came, like everyone told me that it would. I really thought I would be farther along in my career than I am. I'm not passionate about what I do. I thought my desire to have a music career would die down as I got older and tired, but it hasn't. I still want to be rock singer fronting a band. And the pursuit of it is maddening. I sometimes feel so stupid for wanting this life, because it's so unrealistic. But I still yearn for it, and people keep encouraging me. I thought I would have left the country by by now, but I haven't. I still don't have a passport. Something financial or stupid gets in the way of me getting one. But this will get done eventually. I never thought I would be this overweight going into my 4th decade of my life. I am actively doing something about it, but I never thought I would be this fat and heavy. I don't own a house/condo or property, and I'm not even close to having something like that. In my head, I felt I would just be farther along in everything and I feel like I'm behind for some reason.
I'm not saying my life is awful. It's not. And even though I'm 39 and 3/4, I still look 25, and that's fantastic. I have a bunch of amazing people in my life that make me happy. I am employed at a cool place. I do fun things on a regular basis. I have blue hair and it makes me happy. My husband and I have a good time in our life. Things aren't perfect, but they're pretty darn good. The approach to 40 has made me worry that I'm not enough, or I don't measure up in some way. And all that hope I had going into my 30's feels like it's kinda lost in my 40's, because the phrase "You're too old to be doing this, or that" might be uttered. I fear that a lot of opportunity doors will close for me as I enter the 40's club. I'm not saying it's a rational fear, but it's a real fear that I have. And I struggle with this. So there it is. I'm afraid that the fun ends at 40.
However, even though I'm struggling with turning 40, that's not keeping me from going out with a bang...there's going to be a party. And it will be fabulous. And there's a tiny hope for me that I will be fabulous at 40.
