Family and Holiday Thoughts

Today’s Attire:  Cotton ¾ length sleeve black with white striped off the shoulder dress (White House Black Market $35) black leggings (Banana Republic $10) and knee length black leather boots (Torrid $65).

Outfit Justification: Honestly I just wanted to wear this dress. It’s a short day, and it’s comfortable. Horizontal stripes aren’t necessarily the most flattering thing one could wear that’s my size, but these seem to fall right on me.  And frankly I think I look cute.

Family and Holiday Thoughts:

So I’ve been kinda silent for a few weeks on the blog front.  The holidays aren’t really a great time for me. And my depression seems to deepen more at Thanksgiving.  As mentioned in a previous blog, the holiday blues set in a little early for me.  That was tougher to deal with.  I was overwhelmed with everything.  As I approach Thanksgiving I’m doing better than I have in awhile. 

This Sunday is the anniversary of my father’s death.  Hard to believe it will be 28 years on Sunday. For a 11 year old girl, who was daddy’s little girl, to lose her father is one of the most traumatic events one can expect an eleven year old to deal with.  This event still affects me to this day. This left an emotional scar on me that has affected my relationships with people in my life.  If we have to put a label on it, let’s call it abandonment issues.  I do not use this as excuse to not be functioning human being in society, but it does explain some of my issues and how I deal with things, particularly how people leave my life. 

Talking about this does hurt, but it’s a hurt that’s necessary to endure sometimes.  My dad died the Sunday after Thanksgiving, and for me this holiday is always associated with his death.  So you can imagine, why I’m not so overly jazzed when this time comes around every year.  I’m not in the family gathering mood.  I still do go to family gatherings, but it’s hard for me.  In some years it’s been even harder when there were already family issues to deal with. Sometimes I prefer to hide and not get out of bed the entire weekend.  As part of family obligation I will still press on and go eat.  But my preference is to give thanks, eat quickly, eat very little and get out of there as quickly as possible. The year my ex husband walked out on me, I slept through every meal, went to the gym and then went back to bed, and on the 4^th day I traded in my beloved Mustang for a new small SUV.  A rational person doesn’t sleep for four days then buy a new vehicle. Oh well that’s what I did.

A few days ago, I found a picture of me when I was 5 years old. It was taken on the patio of the apartment where I grew up.  My father took the picture of me. I posted the picture on Facebook.  Looking at this picture made me happy.  It was nice to see a true reflection of the younger me.  I was such a happy child.  And the smile in that picture truly exhibited my true feelings on that day.  The day that picture was taken was my 5^th birthday. My parents were throwing me a little party for me and my friends were invited.  There were two cakes. One store bought cake with like Snow White characters on a white frosted cake. The other was home made chocolate cake with pecans layered on top, made by my dad.  There were also chicken salad sandwiches made by my mom and dad that were cut into shapes of hearts and stars.  There were gifts already under the stairs for me. And I was just waiting for everyone to arrive.  My dad wanted to take a picture of me before the festivities started.  Outside on our patio near all his plants and flowers that he raised I posed for that picture.  My mother had clearly dressed me because I’m wearing pink.  My favorite color was blue even back then, but my mom thought it was most appropriate to put me in pink. I posed with my typical pose of putting my hands on my hips.  And I just beamed.  It was a great day.

Finding this picture filled my heart with such joy.  This wonderful early memory came flooding back like it was just yesterday. Even now as I type this, I can’t help smiling. I felt so loved. I was so happy.  The life of a child is so simple, and I would love to experience that type of uninhibited joy again. It helps that when I look at this picture, I think, “Wow, how cute was I at this age?”.  The picture is adorable.  Part of me can’t help but think how cute my child would be if I had one. And then I remember how incredibly spoiled I was at that age. Then I picture how much my husband spoils me now and how that would be increased towards our child.  I remember how I would look at my dad trying to convince him to give me my way, when something was clearly not going my way and I would give him the look and say “But Daddy I love you”. Worked like a charm. He couldn’t resist that.  And Jeff being the terribly sweet guy he is, could never resist our hypothetical daughter pulling the same thing on him.  He can’t resist me pulling that now.  And then that child would be a bear to deal with. She’d be a spoiled brat, like her mother, on occasion.

This memory has eased some of the pain of missing my father these past few days. I’m very thankful and grateful that I have this and so many other happy memories from our short time together.  I’m thankful and grateful that I still have my mother. And even though our relationship is sometimes so very strained, I’m so happy to have this wonderful woman who helped me grow up somewhat normal because she stepped up to be both parents.  She was the disciplinarian and the spoiler when my father passed on. She kept me grounded, yet elevated me in my successes through life.  My parents gave me all the love a child could have and did the best they could with me. I’m very blessed.

Now that I’m married again, I am blessed to have another set of parents, my in-laws.  I’m very fortunate to have a good relationship with my mother and father in law. They are very loving towards me, and have embraced me as their family. That was not always the case with in-laws. I’m so thankful and grateful to be a part of their family.  Having these additional people give their love to me just because I happen to marry their fantastic son feels like a miracle and a blessing.

Not all members of the family have embraced me, which makes me sad. My sister in law hates me does whatever she can to disrespect me no matter what the family event is. (Even at our wedding) As a result we can’t celebrate as a full family any more because she can’t pretend to act civil towards me. We now have to have separate celebrations because of this.  I’ve done my part to be civil to her in the past, but after an incident with meeting her child for the first time and she expressed very loudly that she wanted me nowhere near her child, I was done. You can only take the high road for so long. I did my part. She refuses to grow and try to act like a civil adult even after several attempts to reason with her. As a result, Jeff and I will never get the play the role of uncle and aunt to this child and the one that’s on the way.  Nor will we get to celebrate anything again as a full family.

Despite the last paragraph, I feel pretty good about going into this weekend. I’m armed with the loving memories I have of my childhood, the loving support and understanding of my husband who does whatever he can to help me through this very tough time.  And at this moment, I’m thankful and feel blessed for where I am.

To my Daddy:  I want you to know that I love you. I miss you everyday. I thank you for all the wonderful gifts you gave me from your time on this earth.  They physical ones like Juicy, the stuffed rabbit which I still have. To the intangible ones, like your love of music, and the fire in my personality that protects me when I feel threatened.  I know you watch me from afar. I don’t know if you’re proud of who I’ve become, but I hope that you are.  I look forward to the day that we meet again.  I love you forever.