The Year that was 2015

It was almost a year ago to the day when I last wrote this blog.  Meaning it was the day before the anniversary of my father’s death. I’m not sure why I seem to pick the saddest time to choose to write this blog and reflect about what’s going on in my life.  I suppose depression has something to do with it.  

As Thanksgiving approaches, the holiday blues start to creep in.  Last year marked 30 years that my father passed away. And I thought that was particularly tough.  I had no idea that this year would be even more difficult. This year was a tough one in general, but this November things have been even harder to cope with.  Earlier in the month a friend of mine passed away. He wasn’t even 40 yet. He was taken away from this life so soon. Death in itself is already hard to deal with, but when such a beautiful spirit is taken so early in their life it awakens an additional set of emotions in those left behind. This is the second person this year in my circle of friends who passed way so very young. It’s really wreaking havoc on my emotions.

In addition to my friend’s untimely death, someone very close to me is suffering a life threatening illness. And although they are taking measures to fight this illness and they have an amazing attitude about it, it still rocks me to the core that they are going through this. I want to do something to make this who situation better, to fix it. But it’s not within my power to fix it. I feel helpless. All I can do is offer good thoughts and my constant prayers.  They’ve recently been such of source of strength and support that I never expected. It was nice to have someone say that they are on your side when you’re suffering. Offering encouraging words when they know you are hurting. Constantly reminding you that they think you’re smart and capable when you feel stupid and useless. It means the world to me when they like something on my Facebook, or comment on it.  They are giving me the constant reminder that they are there for me, no matter what. So now they’re going through their situation, all you can do is send them texts to check on them. Or send them a message that I’ll be there if they need me, even if I don’t know what to do. And remind them that I am praying for them...it doesn’t feel like enough. And as the anniversary of my father’s death approaches, this helpless and sad feeling seem to be magnified. I just want to fix it. I can’t. I want to do whatever I can to make them happy and encourage them the way they’ve encouraged me. But I feel like everything that I do falls short. 

A little while ago, someone else who I was very close to, who I considered a good and close friend said something to me that was so hurtful. And since they haven’t spoken to me since, I’m under the impression we are no longer friends. I had just returned from vacation and I had a particularly rough couple of days upon my return home. I checked in with this person because I hadn’t been able to contact them as soon as I got home, due to some electronic difficulties. An incident that happened while I was in the process of contacting them bled into my tone of my communication. They picked up on my somber tone. When they asked me what was up, I told them about the incident. Their reaction to my comment about the incident seemed less than friendly. And then they accused me of only contacting them to complain or to vent to. They prefaced that statement to say they considered me to be a dear friend. That hurt. For those who know me really well, they know it takes a lot for me to reach out when I’m upset. I’m not good at hiding my emotions at all. But admitting to the fact that I’m upset and actually spelling it out is difficult for me. I’ve spent the majority of my life listening to my friend’s problems and trying to be there for them. I’ve always felt like my issues or woes weren’t really all that important when someone else was hurting. So when this person basically accused me of being a crappy friend that only complains and vents, it hurt me. It was just another thing in a string of bad incidences that just made me feel awful.  After that I felt like nothing I could say could fix that so I didn’t bother reaching out again after that.  That person has never spoken to me again and it saddens me. Accusing me of being bad friend, or not caring about their feelings, is a big slap in the face to me.  I may not be great at a lot of things, but I thought being a friend was the one thing I was good at. 

It seems this year has really put me through the ringer. One thing after another seems to have gone wrong. Don’t get me wrong in the grand scheme of things, my issues aren’t as serious as things others are going through. But I have to say it’s been truly a struggle for me this year.  I’ve spent months watching things at my job deteriorate and break me down. I had spent a year dealing with a coworker who at first I thought was just difficult to get along with, but ultimately found out he was insane. So insane that when he was fired, I was really concerned that he was going to come back and kill me. I had to be escorted to my car because other people had the same concern for me. Once he was let go I thought things might improve, they didn’t. I watched my boss’s manager slowly chip away at my self-worth and morale, by taking away my technical duties and reducing me to a secretary. Instead of troubleshooting an email issue or a network connection problem, which I had done pretty successfully for over a year here, I was told to order dinner for moves or book a conference room for a meeting. And there was no explanation for that. For someone who has done technical and desktop support for 16 years, it was demoralizing and depressing. The only way to get through it was to just call this my day job and not my career and just keep working until I could find something else better. 

When I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I was diagnosed with a bleeding nodule on my vocal cord due to acid reflux. I was instructed by a doctor to immediately stop singing, go to speech therapy, go on a very restrictive diet and make a bunch of lifestyle changes which turned my life upside down. The one thing that I do, that made me happy, that made me feel like I was truly something, that I was good at, I was told I couldn’t do. Singing was my life and my emotional release. There was a strong possibility I might not ever be able to do it again.  I can never truly express how incredibly awful this was for me. I stopped leaving my house for anything except work, doctor’s appointment and errands. It was hard. I was broken. My husband was the one who got me through that. He dragged me out of the apartment. He did whatever he could to keep my spirits up.  He encouraged me to take burlesque class so I could figure out ways to perform while my voice was in recovery. In many ways he saved my life. Eventually I recovered enough to return to the stage and for that I’m truly grateful.

So when I thought I was getting things back on track with my life, I took another blow in the office.  I overheard a coworker say a bunch of things about me that was so awful. She trashed my body, she said I was too fat to do burlesque, she said that no one would ever want to see someone so fat on a stage. She said that I only dress in the retro clothes because I couldn’t fit into regular clothes because I was so big.  She said all this in the restroom and I happen to be in the stall when she said it, she didn’t know I was there.  To say that I was hurt and angry would have been an understatement. I didn’t confront her right then and there. I let her and the person she was chatting with leave and I stayed behind to collect myself. At some point I walked to my car and cried. I took a few hours to calm down and eventually I took action. I typed a letter, that I didn’t sign, explaining that I had heard everything she said. I mentioned that I thought it was interesting that that I was the topic of her discussion. And I was sorry that she was offended by my body type. I further explained that there was a large group of people that would disagree with her statement about my body and the burlesque stage. I finished up by cautioning her against making statements like that in such a public place, because you never know when someone could have a recording device and could take that information to HR. I left the typed note on her keyboard. She never looked me in the eye again. She never apologized. She was eventually fired for what I don’t know. It was the first time I handled something like that so calmly and gracefully. Hearing someone say something so awful about you is horrible, but at least I put her in a place without stooping to her level. It was one of worse and finest moments at the same time.  Clearly the quality of people I work with is seriously lacking. 

Despite all this awful stuff, there have been some shining moments for me. My pinup pictures have been published in a magazine twice.  One of those photographs was published in a book of pinups. I got to shoot with some amazing photographers this year. I’m Miss January in the Black Pinups calendar for 2016. Next year I will have my first cover published.  I did recover from my vocal injury. I was able to go back to singing and performing. My performances since then have been more polished and I have a new sense of confidence and joy that is now more evident in my performances. I’ve been exposed to a larger community of burlesque performers that have been super encouraging and inspiring. I already knew that I had amazing husband. But when he stepped up and started creating, embellishing and designing my costumes my love and respect for him magnified exponentially. Never in my life has someone do so many amazing things for me, just because they loved me and believed in me when I didn’t believe in myself. His love is what gets me through some of the toughest times.  Having someone like that on your team makes a world of difference. The thing that was the most surprising was the positive thing that happened next. When I publicly reached out on the Internet to say how bad I was hurting, I was surprised by the amount of support I got from people that were in my life. You make Facebook friends and you consider them acquaintances, but you pretty much don’t expect them to be “real friends”.  But I was pleasantly surprised when people wrote me and said so many encouraging things, and the nicest things and made me feel like I mattered to them. I didn’t know how much I affected other people until all of this happened. I’m so grateful for that encouragement. I’m thankful for the love that was bestowed on me in my time of need. 

I end this blog on a positive note despite all the raw negativity and angst I’ve written. I wrote this blog for several reasons. One, I thought by writing out my feelings I would get some relief from the pain I’ve been experiencing. I did accomplish that. The second reason is I felt the need to explain why I’m not always smiling despite all the wonderful things going on around me.  I’m too honest for my own good, and I know that. But that’s the only way I know how to be.  The third reason is to encourage someone else who suffers from sadness and depression and to let them know they are not alone.  Finally to thank those who read this long drawn out diatribe for their encouragement and to let them know how much I appreciated it.  My final thought is to encourage you to continue to give love and support to those around you.  You never know how much you can inspire someone or even help them just by smiling at them and saying “I’m so glad I know you”.