Holy Meltdown, Batman!

Today’s Fashion Attire: Today I’m wearing a royal blue Google/Imageworks t-shirt (Sony Pictures Imageworks, free), dark wash skinny jeans (Gap Outlet $26), silver sneakers with mesh detail (New Balance Outlet $25).  I’ve accessorized with a silver belt (Torrid $9).

Outfit Justification: I have to tell you, I’m not wild about wearing this. But I was asked to wear this t-shirt because a good number of our staff is moving to G-mail. The t-shirts are to indicate that we’re “Google Guides”. To help people out with the Google and G-mail questions.  Even though this t-shirt is my favorite color, I really didn’t want to wear it. Mainly because it’s not the most stylish t-shirt they could have given me.  Last night I spend the evening trying to make the thing wearable.  I prefer V-neck tees because I have a large chest. So in effort to make the shirt a bit more feminine, I cut out the neck and made it swoop a bit more than it did.  The arms on the shirt were a little too tight, so I cut off the edge of the sleeve, then cut slits at the top of the sleeve and the bottom. I did the best I could with my limited designing skills. I wish my friend Carolina or Amanda were around they could do something to this t-shirt to make it so much cuter.  I was tempted to “flashdance” the heck out of the neck of this shirt and come in looking like Jennifer Beals.  My husband restrained me from doing so.

Holy Meltdown, Batman!

Over the weekend I had several meltdowns while getting dressed. Some of them were minor meltdown, other were full blown throwing things and screaming “I’m not going anywhere, nothing fits!” meltdowns. Like the immature brat that I am, I of course when on Facebook and changed my status.  This was not my finest hour, my friends. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m a freak like this. But the truth of the matter is, I am. I don’t like leaving the house not looking my best.  Recently as my body changes things aren’t looking as fabulous on me and it really upsets me.  I realize no one gives a damn about what I wear, but me. I’m not some celebrity that’s being photographed by the paparazzi, or heading to a red carpet event on a regular basis.  I’m a nobody who writes a blog because it’s therapeutic and somewhat entertaining to my friends.

This weekend’s meltdowns were brought to you by our sponsors: the world’s largest gut, hair that refuses to look nice no matter what, and being a plus size girl who is in between plus size and regular size. Our proud sponsors put me in a screaming yelling crying frenzy this weekend. My husband was so thrilled to be around me because of our fine sponsors. No matter what this man said or did, it was wrong. At one point I banished him to the living room and basically dared him to combat anything that wasn’t negative about me.  At one point I think I said or probably thought “Stop effing complimenting me because you’re giving me a false sense of security when none of it’s true”.  Poor Jeff was just trying to be a supportive husband. He had no idea what kind of demonic lunatic he married to until he saw the conniption fits I threw. Yes I know, I suck. The anger wasn’t directed at him, it was directed at me.

Unfortunately I don’t have any words of advice about how to stop these horrendous meltdowns. Being in transition sucks. Yes I’m actively working out and eating better in effort to try and get healthy and slim down. It’s really heartbreaking to me to put on gorgeous top and bottom and it look so great everywhere but my stomach area. My feelings get hurt when I’m about to leave the house a zipper breaks on my skirt or dress.  I have a hard time looking in the mirror sometimes and trying to focus on the positive when all I can see are all the flaws screaming at me. 

At one point this weekend, I thought to myself “Who the hell am I to write a fashion blog? Why would anyone listen to anything I have to say about putting together an outfit when I clearly can’t dress myself and feel good about it? The amount of self-loathing and poor body image is still a very big issue for me. Yes, I’m still working through it.  Yeah I know I should be seeing a therapist about this.  Obviously I’m not like this all the time, I have my good days and then days like this weekend.  As I’ve said previously, I’m going to be real in this blog. I am a very flawed person, and there’s no point in hiding it.  I felt compelled to share this with people because they might be going through the same thing. Or someone might have some words of wisdom they care to share with me.