Confidence: The Ultimate Battle

Today’s Attire:  Today I’m wearing a royal blue cardigan (Macy’s $35) over a royal blue tank (Gap outlet $4) with black slacks (Banana Republic $39) with black basic heels (Rockport Outlet $10). I’ve accessorized with multi-strand faux pearl necklace (Forever 21, $8.80) black sequin headband (accessory store in Santa Barbara $3) and a pearl bracelet with an ivory ribbon (the remnants of my corsage from my friend’s wedding)

Outfit Justification:  This was trying to embrace my inner Jackie O.  I really wanted to look classic and stylish today.  Despite having a late night, I didn’t want to look like I had a late night. I’ve never been able to really swing the classic sweater twinset and pearl look but I thought I’d give it a try.

Confidence: The Ultimate Battle:

I had a conversation with a friend this week.  We caught up on stuff, we talked about serious stuff, and then silly stuff.  We have a lot in common. I mentioned how fabulous this person looks in all on their Facebook pictures and when  I’ve seen them out and about in the past.  And when they exclaimed that had lost their confidence, I could totally relate.   I wanted very much to let this person know that I think they’re stunning and fabulous, every time.  But I felt weird saying that when I feel the same lack of  confidence.

I’ve hit a little bit of a bout with depression recently.  Coming up on this milestone birthday has really done a number on my self-esteem and as a result my confidence has taken a major hit.  My life isn’t where I wanted or expected it to be at this point.  And I find myself constantly making comparisons to the people in my life and feeling like a loser because I find that I don’t measure up.  It isn’t just turning 40 that bothers me, it’s that I haven’t done everything I thought I would do by the time I turned 40. As a result I feel like a loser.  Don’t worry, I started seeing a shrink this week. 

I’ve recently started to notice my lack of confidence when it came to karaoke and singing in general.  In my head when I sing, I don’t sound as awesome as I expect to.  And if there isn’t really much of a response from the crowd, I start to worry that I’m losing my ability.   What follows are the ugly negative thoughts.   One day a few weeks ago all I heard in my head  was the following: 

“You’re delusional, you can’t sing. “ “You’re a hack, the only reason why people pay attention to you when you sing is because you’re loud” “You don’t belong in a band, because you aren’t that good” “No one wants to see a fat, ugly, old girl sing rock” “You’re looking ridiculous and you’re making a fool of yourself” and finally “You’re not a real singer, karaoke doesn’t count, go back to singing in your car where no one can hear you.” 

 It’s hard because I  was beginning to feel like I had bought into my hype.  It had gotten so bad that a few weeks ago I was at karaoke there were a bunch of people who sing professionally: opera, musical theater, and etc.  When I went to the bar to close out my tab, this girl said to me  “you’re really good, are you a singer?”  I was so sad and defeated  I looked at the girl and said “No. I’m not a singer” and then I pointed at one of the professional crowd that was singing then said “That’s a singer, not me.”  I left after that.

Recently I find that I’m intimidated by people who are super strong singers and see all the typical stuff.  And it’s because I’ve lost my confidence for whatever reason.  I feel like I don’t measure up.  I left karaoke last Thursday feeling like crap, when I heard some girl sing Lady Marmalade and kill it like I can’t.  My pride was hurt for some reason.  It’s not “my song” it’s a song that I’ve done well in the past, and I felt like someone had just handed me my hat.  Now when people come up to me, I cringe because I’m anticipating them saying something mean to me, like the stuff that I hear in my head.  It’s weird.

So when talking to my friend, I was telling them how awesome I think they are. As I said so, I felt like a huge hypocrite because I never believe it when someone says that to me. Why do we do this to ourselves?  It’s easier to believe the bad stuff, I know.  But losing confidence and faith in yourself and your abilities is a tough thing to overcome.  I struggle with it every day. 

I changed my cover picture on Facebook this afternoon to a headshot of me that makes me look like a badass. But the truth of the matter is in that picture I was probably the most miserable I had ever been the day that picture was taken. Because the night before, a personal tragedy had happened, and I still went through with the shoot because it was too late to cancel.  If you look in my eyes, you can still see the pain I was in.  But I did my best to put up the brave front and summon up the badass I thought I was on stage.  In the days after I saw these pictures, I thought, I look sad and pathetic.  I’m working with my shrink on changing my perspective in hopes that I can get myself out of this depression.  So my first exercise in this is to address the negative feelings about this picture.  I don’t look sad or pathetic in this picture. The girl in that picture is a badass.  This girl went through an early morning photo shoot the morning after her husband of 4 years walked out on her.  Despite her pain and sadness this girl picked herself up and went on with her life and took the steps to pursue her dream of being a singer.  That’s a brave thing to do. That shows strength.  Frankly that embodies what a badass is.  That girl had confidence in her ability to keep going.   So my next assignment is to remember this and draw from the confidence of that girl in the picture.   That confidence will keep me moving forward.  I am that badass in the picture.  I just need to keep remembering that’s who I am.