Friendships Best Or Otherwise

Today’s Attire:  I’m wearing a burnt orange cotton tank top (Banana Republic $6) under a black jersey knit asymmetrical cardigan with lace opening in the back (White House Black Market $38) and black knee length walking shorts (Ashley Stewart $19) accessorized with a orange leather sandals with gold stud detail (Macy’s $26).

Outfit Justification: It’s still warm and shorts are definitely in order.  The tank top compliments my new sandals.  I put the black cardigan on because it’s cold in my office and I don’t look like I strolled in in a tank top, shorts and sandals in the office. I made an effort to be at least a little appropriate.

Random Rant: This heat is kicking my ass. The reason why there was no blog yesterday is because I had the world’s worse headache, that I’ve been trying to fight off for 4 days, and I finally succumbed. I was able to do nothing for hours but sit in a dark room and try to sleep. I still have a bit of a dull headache, but I’m able to somewhat function. Consequentially there is no picture. Sorry Beck.

Friendships Best or Otherwise:

I love my friends.  My friends mean as much to me as my family does. Maybe it’s because I’m an only child I feel this way.  But I do.  Over the years I have had the pleasure of calling some amazing people in my life friends.  In more recent years I’ve had to examine my relationships with the people in my life and decide if I need to make some changes.  As I approach the age of 40 I’m really beginning to do something I’ve never done: severing ties with people I call friends.  I’ll get to that in a moment.

I have a few people I call my best friend.  In my life they’ve proved to be such. I don’t just have one.  One could argue with my definition with of best friend if they want to, it’s not about their definition. It’s about mine. This is from my perspective, and I will define best friend as I see fit.  The friends that I call best friends are closer than just close friends.

The first best friend that I have is my husband Jeff. This man knows me better than I know myself.  Even though we haven’t been together as long, the connection we share is so very evident.  In temperament we’re the opposite.  I’m the outgoing loud one. He’s the more reserved and sometimes socially awkward one. When we first started dating we broke a lot of “rules”. On our second date I laid everything out in the open. I told him the brutal and honest truth about my flaws and negative characteristics.  My intent that night was to send him running for the hills. He didn’t run.  He countered with his own shortcomings.  Our relationship has been based on this brutal honest open communications ever since. Having this open communication has made me the happiest I’ve ever been in any relationship. We’re not the perfect couple. We fight. We get on each other’s nerves.  But we make up.  We look beyond the petty stuff that annoys us. We’re a team. We laugh a lot at really dumb stuff. We have fun. I couldn’t ask for a better friend or husband.

I can’t go through all of my best friends because frankly that would take awhile.  My best friend Becky and I have been friends since sophomore year of high school. I used to say that I wanted to be Becky when I grow up, even though I’m technically an adult. We’re a very unlikely pair.  We’ve gotten into more trouble than I care to admit.  This friendship is the friendship that could.  Again we’re opposites. She’s reserved. I’m the outgoing one.  Our friendship has survived one of us living across the country for years, new boyfriends, breakups, marriage, divorce, illness and pregnancy.  We had our share of fights. But I know this girl will always be there for me in the end. And vice versa.  We don’t see each other very often despite living in the same city, but that bond is always there.

As I mentioned above, in recent years I’ve had to sever ties with people who I called friends. This has been one of the hardest things ever I’ve done.  I’m used to friendships running their course and then drifting apart but not making a conscience effort to break the bond that ties us together, that’s new to me. Unfortunately it’s been a very necessary step in my life recently.  I have a tendency to get drawn into my friend’s problems. I want to do what I can to help them through their tough time, because I would hope they would do the same for me.  After going through a major battle with depression, then talking to a therapist about me and my issues, I started to notice that I had some pretty toxic people in my life. They were beginning to drag me down. They were negative. They were constantly consumed with drama.

The thing that was pointed out to me by my therapist and even my mom is that some of the people were jealous of me. This is a foreign concept to me. I don’t understand why anyone would be jealous of me. I know that some jealousy is human nature I get that. But I’m not anything out of the ordinary.  I grew up poor and I’m still poor. I have issues, like everyone else. At least I’m happy when my friends are happy. But I started to notice that when good things happen for me they weren’t so pleased for me. I started to notice things like one friend who was competing with me for attention on a regular basis.  And when she started to lose weight, and I consequently started to gain weight, she actually said to me “I don’t have to be jealous of your curves any more”. Why would you say that to anyone? Especially if you’ve dealt with weight issues your entire life. After a while every conversation was “woe as me”. She was negative about everything, and everything was about her. She complained about everything and when I suggested things for her to do remedy her issues, she never did anything. All she wanted to do was complain. And every event she was invited to she wanted to make it about her. It was really hard to maintain a friendship with all of that negativity.   

I had another friend tell me that I will never be successful as a singer because I’m full of insecurities, most of them reality based. This person said this to me just days before I auditioned for The Voice the first time.  This was from someone who I had loved very much. When he called me I was there for him, every time.  When I fell ill, this friend didn’t even contact me to see if I needed anything. No contact, nothing. When I finally saw him he showed up high on cocaine at my birthday party and barely spoke to me. I discovered he was no longer the person who was my friend. He’d been replaced by someone who valued alcohol and cocaine, and chose to surround himself with people who valued the same things. The demise of that friendship makes my heart ache.

Thinking about how these people once meant so much to me and have turned into toxic people who say and do toxic things hurts my heart.  In the past I would have overlooked this and try to repair this. But as another good friend pointed out to me a few months ago, “You’re a precious commodity. As you get closer to 40, you need to surround yourself with people who will support you and promote you and your successes. Toxic people bring you down.”  I’m embracing that. I’m letting go of the toxic people. It’s a painful process, but it’s necessary.

As I sit here writing this, I think about all the people I’ve encountered over the years. And I reflect on the people who have recently entered in my life who have brought so much joy to my life.  I may not see these people everyday, or talk to them everyday, but they send me encouraging messages via email, texts for Facebook comments.  I’m so blessed to have so many good people in my life now. When I was sick all those months, these people were praying for me and sending me well wishes. These are the people enrich my life and in turn I want to enrich their lives as much as I can.  To you, my friends, I thank you for being in my life and making it just that much better. Know that you mean something to someone and you’ve touched them in a positive way.

The Voice Audition Part Deux

Today’s Attire: Today I’m wearing a cotton leopard print maxi dress with crochet detail on the straps and bodice (Mode Plus $31), orange leather sandals with gold stud detail (Macy’s $26). I’m wearing my signatature Elsa Peretti silver star pendant.

Outfit Justification: The heat wave in Los Angeles is relentless.  I bought this dress when I was looking for an audition outfit. It was inexpensive enough that I bought it when I bought the audition dress. It’s so warm I can’t bear to wear anything other than maxi dress or tank top and shorts. I’ve decided that the maxi dress was it. And although I don’t really recommend wearing this much animal print to the office, I can justify it because it’s warm. I look cute.  And frankly I can pull it off in this office because that’s how I roll.

The Voice Audition Part Deux:

I’m coming clean about my audition from yesterday.  I’ve been vague about it on purpose. Here it goes. I auditioned for The Voice again yesterday.  After I made such a big deal about the audition last time and didn’t make it past the first round, I kinda felt like an idiot, especially after all that build up to it.  And when I realized how bullshit the process was I vowed to never audition for anything like this again. That was the cliché famous last words: never say never. I really think The Voice auditions are rigged and I have no chance of ever making it on to this show based on what I saw last time. After I proclaimed it I’d never do this again, I feel like an asshole to actually auditioning again. But here’s what happened.

Two days after my surgery I got an email from one the ladies I was in line with during the last audition. She and her friend were going to do it again and wanted me to join in the audition process. I really liked these ladies. They had a great spirit and they love singing and performing music as much as I did.  If they weren’t cynical about the process and were willing to do it again, why should I be? They had auditioned once before that, and this would be their third time auditioning. I originally said no when they sent the email asking if I’d audition again. But then I thought about it some more and changed my mind. I talked to Jeff about it and he agreed that I needed the audition experience and I had a great time with the people that I was in line with. So I wrote Sheri back and said I’d do it. I registered to audition again.

Flash forward to these last few days. I was getting ready for this BS audition. I really wanted to give a good audition. One to prove to myself that my voice is improving, two because I need to do something in terms of auditioning because I need to get somewhere, and three I wanted to meet more people and maybe make some connections. I did not freak out about this audition like I did last time. I wanted to look good and sound good that’s all I cared about.  I wanted to project the rocker image without being too over the top. I found the lace dress that seemed to work. I got obsessed with finding the right shoes to go with it, which proved to be harder than I anticipated. I practiced despite fighting off a cold. I had a good productive vocal lesson the day before. I was ready.

Yesterday morning proved to be not so great. Jeff and I managed to get into a tiff that made me run behind on my schedule and throw off my warm up. My throat was hurting despite drinking tea and water. It was so hot in our apartment because of the stupid heat wave and the curling iron. My nerves were getting the best of me and frankly I was just pissed off at myself. Why did I give a damn about this audition knowing that it was a complete waste of time? I went on Facebook, posted a frustrated status update closed the laptop. I was so angry with myself for not being where I felt like I should be: in my career, in my life, and in general.  I eventually gathered myself together and had Jeff drive me to the audition. He snapped a picture of me and I headed to get in line.

This time around the process wasn’t as crazy or as long. Things were moving quickly. Thankfully we weren’t outside for very long.  I was a veteran of the process so I knew what to expect.  Sheri and Merry were a little late getting there, but they got there and it felt like old times.  We laughed and chatted until we got separated into separate groups, which totally sucked. But I got the opportunity to meet new people.  There were singers that were older than me and younger than me and even one person who had auditioned for American Idol and got past the first few rounds. One woman I met was an actress in New York and been and sung on Broadway.  It was nice and comfortable.  The process felt very leisurely.  Finally they got us into our group of 10 for the actual audition.  My new friend Linda (Miss Broadway) and Shawn, a young guy who had decided he was accompanying us all to Hooters after we were rejected to celebrate being awesome, were in my audition group. As I waited in the hallway, I was getting mentally prepared for our audition, doing last minute vocal exercises, consoling an under 18 year old with her nerves, and going over the words in my head.  By the time they opened the door, I was ready to take my place.

This time the producer was a woman in front of a laptop. The room was brighter than last time. There were more guys in our group as opposed to the last time where it was all girls with the exception of one guy.  We listened to the producer’s instructions and waited to be called.

The group had all kinds of things going on:

1.First guy to sing was an older gentleman who opted to sing Let’s Get It On by Marvin Gaye. He proceeds to hum the first few measures of instrumental and then proceeded sing a very tired version.

2. There was a young girl who I had consoled in the hallway who was a basket of nerves, messing with her hair and her dress, and was softspoken and out of tune.

3.There was a guy who was in a band who did Little Lion Man by Mumford & Sons, who was OK until he started messing up the words and then went in and out of tune.

4. Another really young kid who had hair like Justin Bieber who did a soft version of In My Remains by Linkin Park who had the potential, his Linkin Park was so soft and tamed it was disappointing and kinda sad. I had high hopes for that kid.

5. There was a guy who had planned to sing the national anthem. The producer asked for another song instead of that. She said it wasn’t really a song. He hadn’t come prepared with anything else. She asked him what kind of music he liked and he said R&B.  She threw out some names of some R&B artists he said knows their stuff but doesn’t know the words. She let him sing the anthem, it was pretty, but he was so rattled by the judge, it fell apart. It was a complete mess.

6. There was a duo.  A guy and girl in their twenties. The producer asked if they had audition before, and they had a few times. They started singing a country song that I had heard before but didn’t really know.  When the two of them were together on the song they sounded good in parts. But there were multiple times when they weren’t together. Sometimes she was flat, or would lose her place other times they sounded like they were clashing notes. The producer asked them to sing another song. They struggled for a few minutes and did another song. Their performance was just as disjointed as the first song.  At one point she would look at him when they messed up. It was an odd performance, but my intuition kicked  in but I wasn’t sure what it was telling me until the end. 

7. Miss Broadway did a fabulous job of The Impossible Dream from Man of LaMancha. I could tell the producer wasn’t into it. But it was a good performance though.

8.My young friend Shawn did a song I didn’t really know by an artist I didn’t know. He was a big guy with a too soft sound. I was disappointed because I wanted to hear something big from him.

9. The last girl to sing announced that “again” at the last minute she decided to change her song. She didn’t have to announce this because no one knows what you’re singing until you actually get up to sing. She opted to sing a Seal song. When the producer asked her the title of it she said she didn’t know it.  It was very soft, not loud enough but recognizable Seal song. In her defense I didn’t remember the title of that song either.

I was the fourth one to be called. I opted to sing Bonnie Tyler’s Holding Out For A Hero from the Footloose soundtrack.  The song isn’t that current, but with them redoing Footloose last year it was current enough. I figure it wasn’t a song the producer hadn’t heard 50 million times. It’s a powerful song. It’s a rock song.  From the first note I was nailing it. I was authoritative. I was in tune. I used my dynamics by being soft when I needed to be and loud on the main part. It’s a big song. I’m a singer who can tackle the big songs. I was loud. In a word I was fantastic. I was on and in my element. Everyone in that room saw that I was seasoned singer and performer. It was a phenomenal performance. The rest of the singers applauded very loudly. I smiled and took my seat. I was satisfied. I did what I came to do. I waited for everyone else to perform and for the results.

So when it was all said and done, the producer asked the country duo to stay. She said to the rest of us that we should work on our vocals and maybe come back again next time. I wasn’t at all shocked that I wasn’t picked, but I was little thrown aback when the disjointed country duo was picked to go on to the next round. As they snipped our wristband off us, a bunch of people came up to me saying “Oh my God you were so good” “You were the best one in there” “I can’t believed they didn’t pick you, you were so awesome”.  I just smiled and thanked them.  Miss Broadway was especially pissed that they didn’t pick me and picked the out of tune duo. 

My final thoughts about this audition are as follows: I was fantastic. I proved to myself that I am a force to be reckoned with. I am making my comeback. I had fun hanging with new people in the audition line. As we walked to the restroom with Miss Broadway I agreed with her assessment of the process. I told her I wasn’t shocked that they didn’t pick me.  I didn’t expect to be picked. I did an awesome job and I know it.  I was annoyed about the duo. But that just means I’m not good TV.  They obviously weren’t looking for “The Voice”. Then she made the statement that really sums it up: “This isn’t the right avenue for you. Something bigger and better is out there for you.” She was right.  I don’t need a reality TV show to get me where I want to be. To quote my husband Jeff “You just never know what’s around the corner”.  He was right when it came to our relationship.  Maybe he’s right about my singing career.  Like I said in my Facebook status: my time will come.  When it does, I’ll be ready. 

Below is the audition picture and picture of today's outfit

Impression Dressing

Today’s Fashion Attire: Today I’m wearing a cotton royal blue and light blue chevron stripe maxi dress with spaghetti straps that cris-cross in the back (Gap $28), dark wash denim jacket (Old Navy $25) grey flats with bow detail (Payless Shoe Source $14) and signature sterling silver star pendant.

Outfit Justification:  The heat wave continues, and I always head to my trusted maxi dresses when it’s warm.  Since I’m still fighting off a cold and combating the frigid air of my office I’m sporting the denim jacket.  It’s a combination that’s practical yet cute. I’m making up for yesterday’s jean and camo t-shirt combination. (Yes Becky, there is a picture).

Impression Dressing: What Does That Mean?

How many times have you seen an invitation to something and the words “Dress to impress” appear? I’ve seen it more times than I can count. Especially when the event that the invitation is for is at a nightclub. I’ve always took that to mean find the sluttiest thing you can wear without getting arrested to impress the bouncer so he’ll let you in. And if you’re a guy, wear something that doesn’t make you look less intimidating to the bouncer.  But the truth of the matter is that we dress to impress when it comes to things that are super important in life: job interview, first date, audition, meeting the parents and etc.  You want to do what you can to impress someone else.  You want to make the best impression you can with your appearance. Yes we’ve been told to not judge a book by it’s cover, but the truth of the matter is that it’s human nature to pass judgment solely on appearance before the person has spoken even one word. It’s sucks, but that’s what happens. The thing is in life there is a need to impress other people. We want to present the best package out there so people will be willing to unwrap the package to find out what’s inside.  You want people to know what you’re all about, but they have to be wiling to look at package to want to know what’s you’re all about.

When it comes to impression dressing the person you need to impress first is yourself.  You can make a great impression in whatever you wear, if you feel comfortable and confident wearing it. Whatever the occasion or the audience you’re trying to impress, the very first question that should asked of yourself is “What item of clothing makes me comfortable and at ease?”  If you start with that question and make that your foundation you will always be at your most confident in whatever you’re wearing.  I would suggest taking a step back and examining what you want to project.

I’ll step through this process by using myself as an example. I have an audition coming up. I would very much like this audition to open up doors for my singing career this is how I’m going about picking the right outfit for this audition.

Q: What item of clothing makes me comfortable: A: A Dress.

Q: What’s the occasion? A: A vocal audition.

Q: What am I trying to project? A: Who I am as an artist.

Q: Who are you as an artist? A: I’m the unexpected rocker chick.

Q: What does this mean to you? A: Lace, denim, leather, black, silver.

Q:  What items scream “This is Vivian”? A: The color blue, dresses, black, accessories, great shoes, blue hair, vintage, classic, big smile.

Q: Who’s your audience? A: A producer, other musicians.

These questions help me define who I feel I am. They help figure out what I want to project with my outfit. After examining what I’m putting out there, I look for the aspects of my wardrobe that make my statement. I start with the elements that make me feel comfortable and I look for ways to polish them up and make the “package shiny”. If I don’t have what I need, then that means a shopping trip is going to be involved. (And we know how much hate shopping)  With the answers in my head to the above questions I start the search for my audition outfit.  I’m always comfortable in a dress.  I need to find a dress that has the elements of being a rocker yet still feminine. Something with edge, but comfy so I can breathe and sing freely.  I might be waiting around for a while, so it’s needs to comfortable and suited for the current weather situations: ie. cold air conditioning, blustering heat, etc. I knew I was looking for something that was black because it would be sliming, and it compliment the blue streaks in my hair. I wanted something with lace or an animal print to give me the rocker edge. Ultimately I found a black lace maxi dress with a high-low effect. The dress has vintage aspects of it, it’s flattering and with the right accessories it will give me the rocker the edge I’m looking for. I know that this dress will give me the right amount of comfort and appeal to give me the confidence I need to network and wow the producer and get the gig.

Again this is just an example.  Your questions and answers will be different. The questions are going to vary for different occasions. Questions regarding for a first date might be “How sexy should I project” “What feature on myself do I really want to highlight”. If it’s a job interview, your questions might be “What kind of company environment is this for?” “If this is a jeans an t-shirt place?” “Should I forgo the conservative navy or black suit for nice slacks and blouse? Questions for meeting someone for the time, like a significant other’s parents, “What about me do I want these people to know about me?”.

In the end, I want to express that you have to impress you first. And if you’re impressed with yourself, you’ll shine in your outfit. It sounds cliché, but it’s true. And when someone tells you how fabulous you look, remember to say “Thank you”. :)

Surviving Zumba

Today’s Attire:  Today I’m wearing a camouflage Hard Rock Café T-shirt (Hard Rock Café, San Francisco overpriced t-shirt) medium dark wash skinny jeans (Gap Outlet) grey with teal details New Balance sneakers (New Balance Outlet $25).

Outfit Justification:  Yesterday Zumba kicked my ass, because I’m out of shape. I’m fighting off a cold and then Nyquil kicked my ass. I went to bed early and overslept due to cold meds. I’m wearing the ultimate casual outfit because my body hurts and I feel like crap. I felt no need to take a picture of this outfit because you’ve seen what jeans and a t-shirt look like. (Sorry Becky)

Side Vent: Dumb Ass Coworkers

(I’m adding this section to my blog because frankly I always have something to complain or bitch about.) 

Let me state for the record, I do like my job. The company I work for is one of the coolest companies I’ve worked for. And frankly I have a movie credit as a result of working here which is pretty awesome.  But in every job I always have a coworker that drives me nuts in some way shape or form. And my passive aggressive side has decided to step up and bitch about this person for a minute. Let’s call this person Urkel. Urkel is a very nice person. He works very hard. He loves to work. He loves to talk and he’s constantly talking especially out loud to himself. This is in itself drives me bonkers.  But I’ve learned to deal with it. My biggest pet peeve with Urkel is that he arrives first, that means he gets to go to lunch first and that means I go to lunch after him. I can’t take my lunch until he takes his. He hardly ever goes to lunch on time. So I’m stuck going to lunch sometimes at 3 or 4pm.  That drives me completely insane.  I’ve talked to him about it several times but he still does it. You would think if you’re not going to go to lunch and you know someone else’s schedule depends on yours, perhaps you could say to other person, “Why don’t you go ahead and go to lunch”. But no, he has to waste time on things that aren’t urgent then eventually go to lunch at like 1:15 or 2. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Ok I’m done.

Zumba Class: I Survived, Somehow:

I’m struggling a little bit with writing today. As mentioned above I’m fighting off a cold and I’m sore and tired from Zumba. Yesterday I took my very first Zumba class. It was nice because it was free. It was through my gym here at work. People all over Facebook were saying how awesome Zumba class is. The commercials tout how great of a workout it is. I’ve been skeptical.  I’ve taken dance classes at a gym before and have been terribly disappointed.  Those classes tend to overwhelm and intimidate me due to various reasons:

1. The moves are too hard and too fast and I can’t keep up
2. The classes are filled with people who are experts and I feel stupid because I don’t know what I’m doing and am worried about holding the class back because I’m terrible.
3. The teacher sucks because they expect everyone to know what the hell they’re doing and I never know what the hell I’m doing.
4. My fat body isn’t able to do half of what the class requires, so I’d rather be at home alone trying to figure this out.

 I’m really out of shape. I hate working out. Really hate it. I’m angry with myself for letting myself go the way I have. But here I am 60 pounds overweight and knocking at the door of 40 years old. Something has to be done. I would like to be looking hotter by next June when I actually turn 40. I don’t want to be a size 2, I want to be a nice lean size 10 or 12. So here goes the plight to get fit.

I have a few things working for me in my effort to get fit. Work has gym. In fact, they have 2 gyms that I can workout at for no additional cost to me. The main gym over at the studio lot has fitness classes. One of those classes listed was Zumba.   Luckily my friend and coworker Natalie, was nice enough to try this one with me. Since she was new at this, we could brave it together. The class is popular and there’s usually a wait list to get in. We both signed up and yesterday was the day we did this.

I’d like to say that the class kinda fun.  I’m only saying kinda because this would not be my first choice of things to do in my life.  But if you’re looking for something other than running on treadmill this would be a choice. The teacher was pretty nice.  It was a dude, which was interesting in itself. The class was full of women of various ages and sizes. I was definitely the largest one in there, which sucked.   One woman who had taken the class told me and Natalie that the teacher has perma-smile and he’s not laughing at us. So that was nice to know in advance.  The music was a great mix.  It was some salsa music, but also some hip hop pop stuff.  The steps were a mix of aerobics and dance moves.  I’ve taken salsa classes before so it was nice have a little of that background for me. I’ve also taken bellydancing clasess. These gave me the foundation for some of the “sexier” moves.  I did my best to not overdo it.  It’s just shy of two months since I had gallbladder removal surgery and I didn’t want to injure myself.

There was a lot of back and forth, turning around, kicks, raising arms, side stepping, crouching, lunging and twisting to the beat.  Most of the moves were easy to follow.  I had problems staying on beat sometimes, but I managed to find my way back on.  I would look over at Nat she was totally keeping up. Sometimes I noticed she didn’t always have her hands and legs in the correct positions and I felt better about the fact that my feet or hands weren’t always in the correct place either.  I was sweating profusely through the whole thing.  And was thanking God for when the music changed because that meant drinking water and toweling off. 

Sometimes I found myself smiling at myself. I was doing it.  It wasn’t perfect, but I was still keeping at it.  I didn’t fall over.  When something was too intense, I modified it to make it doable. The teacher didn’t yell at me and saying I wasn’t doing it right. When my body hurt, I modified moves to make it easier for me to do.  At some point it felt like dancing.  I think if I keep at this, it will become more fun for me.  We’ll see. I’ll keep you posted.

Message To Readers: Even though this blog is about me and my thoughts on life, I’m interested in what you might like to read about. Send me a message or leave comments on this blog about a topic you want me to address in future blogs.  Today’s topic was Natalie’s suggestion. So thank you Natalie.  

Compliment Behavior

Today’s Fashion Attire: Today I’m wearing a long black spaghetti strap cotton maxi dress (Old Navy $10.90) and royal blue flip-flop with rhinestone detail (White House Black Market $19). I’ve accessorized with my Elsa Perretti sterling silver star pendant and infinite circle with silk chord pendant (Tiffany & Co, gifts from the husband)

Outfit Justification: It’s super warm outside. You know it’s hot when it’s 78 degrees before 10am. Maxi dresses are comfortable. Black makes me look slimmer.  I’m going to my first Zumba class today after work and I wanted easy.  I was expected to be in meeting most of the day, so at least throwing on a dress makes me look a bit more polished. Yes, I’m sporting flip-flops but 80 percent of my office wears them. I’m allowed to sport them every so often. 

Accepting Compliments: Why Is It So Hard?

How many times has someone complimented you?  Now how many times have you combated that compliment with something other than “’Thank you”?  Welcome to my world. I have to admit, I have a difficult time accepting compliments. I love them. I love hearing them.  I give them. But I can’t seem to accept them like a normal human being.  What gives?

Let’s talk about this from a fashion and body issue point of view.  I’ve already stated that I’m considered overweight. The fact is that I am overweight.  However I don’t walk around with a sign saying “Hey I’m fat, and I’ve completely given up”. I work with the body I have and dress it to the best of my ability.  When I wrote this blog before I was in the process of losing weight, and I was a lot smaller. It was a lot easier to write about the cute clothes I bought and wore.  Now writing this blog proves to be more difficult, because I’m heavier. The cuter clothes are harder to find.  Despite the adversity, I managed to find something awesome and make it work. When you look at me you don’t think “Hey cute fat chick”.  No you think “Hey what a great outfit. Cool blue hair”.  When the outside world decides to tell you that they like something about you, the best response is thank you. Yet my responses have been:

“I’ve picked up some weight and I’m doing my best to disguise it”

“I put this together by accident”

“I had no time to think this morning this was the first thing I grabbed”

Or I feel the need to say something else like apologize for being fat. Why do I do this? This is crazy behavior.

When I’m singing, and people hear me, people will compliment me afterwards. Somehow I’m hearing people tell me I’m amazing, that I have a phenomenal voice, asking me if I’m a professional makes me shudder a little bit inside. I do the same thing when someone compliments my outfit. I do the “thank you, but…” I guess I’m so worried that I’m going to come off like an arrogant bitch, if I acknowledge that I’m a good singer.  My more recent responses to a compliment have been:

“Oh, I’m just loud”

“I’m just getting over being sick, that wasn’t really that good”

“It’s a hard song, I did what I could with it”

“Oh I’m just having fun”

When someone compliments you, they don’t want to hear all of that.  They genuinely think that something about is good and they want to share that with you. Just say thank you. If they ask you questions answer them. But leave it at that.

I write this particular blog for myself. To remind myself that it’s important to acknowledge the compliment.  I share this with you in case you’re struggling with the same thing.  It’s important for us to be nicer to ourselves.  We do some fantastic things with our lives and our skills.  It’s nice when people notice this and share their positive thoughts with us.  In a world full of negativity, we need to celebrate the positivity that arises. Compliments are just small bits of positivity that should be shared, celebrated and accepted.  So if someone compliments you on something today.  Just say “Thank you”.  Internally, remind yourself that this is a good thing and you deserved that compliment.

The Voice Rejection

Today’s Attire: Today I’m sporting a white tank top with black crochet and mesh detail on the front. The side seams have a little bit of gathered pleats (Torrid $28), dark wash skinny jeans (Gap Outlet $29), black and white leather and mesh loafers (Rockport Outlet $19).

Outfit Justification: I bought this tank top when I auditioned for The Voice back in April. I paired it with jeans and a black blazer.  I looked very polished and put together.  Since that audition, I’ve worn this top multiple times. It’s cute and stylish and comfy.  It’s been so hot lately wearing this tank top keeps me cool.

Let’s Talk About The Voice Audition:

Ok this is a subject that I avoid like the plague. But I think it’s time to address my feelings about this process.  For years people have told me that I should audition for American Idol. They would hear me sing at karaoke, or church or whatever and they say, “You should totally audition for American Idol”. I’ve always had the best excuse for not doing it.  I’m too old for American Idol. And I’m not playing the martyr and saying I’m too old to sing, that’s crap. It’s true I am too old for AI because they have an age cut off of 29. I was too old for AI when AI started because the age limit was 25 or 26 when it first started. I was 28 when AI started in 2001. My response to why I wouldn’t audition for this show seemed to satisfy anyone who suggested it. But there were a few reasons why I wouldn’t audition for this show. I didn’t have to deal with those reasons as long as AI was the only reality TV singing competition on.

Then came shows like X Factor, America’s Got Talent and The Voice. Now people would ask about American Idol and then follow up with what about the other shows because they didn’t have the age limit. I had to come up with a better excuse for not auditioning for these shows.  Here’s the real reason I don’t want to audition for these shows, I didn’t want producers, judges or official record people to invalidate my talent or me. No one who’s official (in the record business) has ever said to me that “you’re not a good singer”. But there is always the fear of that.  So I avoided these shows as much as I could.

Then last March, a friend suggested that I should try out for The Voice. She put the idea in my head. I mentioned it on Facebook and everyone encouraged me. I talked to my vocal coach, and she suggested that I should give it a shot. Next thing I know I’ve gotten myself all psyched up. I’ve told myself I’m going to do this. Mentally I’ve worked myself into a frenzy. In my mind I had pinned all my musical hopes on this one audition. If they said no, then I wouldn’t audition for anything else ever again. Their word was the final word and my singing career would be over just like that.  If they said yes, I was on the road to fame and fortune. I knew I wouldn’t win, but I would get far enough along that the doors would open up and they’d realize I existed and I was that next big thing. While all this was going on in my head, I started to struggle with confidence. Am I delusional?  Am I really talented enough to go audition for something like this? Or am I that person who’s in the chicken suit who can’t carry a tune, meaning am I making a big fool of myself.  While all this was going on I was struggling with a mystery illness that would later wreak complete havoc on my life. Then add a conflict with a former friend over their drug use and then you have the equation of the biggest meltdown in audition history. This was the week leading up the audition.

The day of the audition I wasn’t even completely sure I was going to go. I went. Even though I had friends that were auditioning at the same time, we didn’t connect on the actual day.  I was in line alone. I met some lovely women of all different ages in line around me. I had a wonderful time in line chatting it up. It was a long wait.  When we finally got into the final group to audition for the producer, I was ready. I was fifth to sing in a group of ten. I sang my song. In my head it was a stellar audition. I delivered my best performance.  After everyone sang they said “The bar for Season 3 is really high, we were expecting flawless performances, that being said we can’t pass any of you to the next round. We hope that you’ll audition again for next season”. I was shocked. Not because I didn’t make it through, but because that none of us made it through. There were some really talented singers in my group.

After my rejection I thought I would break down and cry because I didn’t make it through.  I had quite the unexpected reaction to this. I was mad. In fact I was really pissed off.  My audition was flawless. Without sounding like a pompous ass, I sounded pretty damn good.  There was nothing I could do to make that performance any better. As I got in my car to head home, I kept saying “Screw that! Screw them! They’re idiots for passing on me.  F*ck that! They don’t get to make me famous”. My husband was relieved that I was angry as opposed to the weepy mess he expected me to be. (And the weepy mess I was, leading up to the audition). But he was happy to see me get my fire back. The confidence I lacked leading up to this audition, had returned in full force.  I spent the rest of the afternoon consulting with everyone else who had tried out and they all had the same story. None of us were passed through to the next round.

So here I am months later looking back on this experience. I’m glad I went through it. I realized that I didn’t need a TV producer to validate me or my career.  I know that I’m talented. I’ve seen audiences react to me and my voice. I know there’s something there. This is just one lesson in rejection. And I keep moving on.  One day the world will know that there is a Vivian Rogers who can rule the rock world.  That day is coming and it’s only a matter of time.

Weekend Recap

Today’s Attire:  Today I’m wearing a fuchsia tank top (Gap $4), khaki cropped cargo pants (Ashley Stewart $14). I’ve accessorized with my Anne Klein leopard print flats (DSW $19), my sterling silver star pendant (Tiffany & Co), and white sapphire stud earrings (Tippr.com)

Outfit Justification:  Today’s outfit was brought to you by oversleeping.  Yesterday’s wedding was fun and awesome, but it ran pretty late and it was an hour away from where we live.  Being woken up at 8:45 and you have to be at work by 9am, doesn’t give you the opportunity to be super stylish when you’re half awake and rushing.  The funny thing is that I don’t like pink. It looks good on me.  But I hate it.  And the darn tank top was so bright, it was screaming at me to be worn. So there it is.

Weekend Recap:

Friday, my emotions were in the pit of despair. I was extremely unhappy and it felt like everything in my life was getting me down. I was having a really awful time at work. I wallowed in self-loathing and self-pity all day.  I couldn’t shake my bad mood.  I did everything I could, listen to music, sleep, cry, tried to write. Everything was just bad. As a result I couldn’t bring myself to post my blog. It was poorly written and I wasn’t feeling it.  At the same time I was kicking myself for not doing because it showed lack of follow through.  Friday was mostly a complete wash.

Saturday, I was doing much better. I found some pictures from our engagement session and posted them on Facebook. I couldn’t help but smile and reminisce about that photo shoot and the search for the perfect dress for it. Of course it allowed me to think about our wedding day and how fantastic that was.  The rest of the day was filled with a trip to the hair salon, a visit to a vintage inspired store, a dinner at Bob’s Big Boy and a visit with my in laws for which we did some tech support for them, and finally a visit to a bar with karaoke to end the evening.  At diner I allowed myself to talk about the angst of my previous day.  It finally dawned on me that the day before was the funeral for our family friend that passed away. And because I’ve been so sick I’ve got no time off left, I couldn’t go to the funeral.  That played a big part in my bad feelings.  There was a lot more emotional stuff going on, but that played a very large part.

Sunday was the wedding.  I spent the morning preparing and getting ready. I opted to wear a vintage style black cotton halter dress that I purchased at Unique Vintage the previous day. My hair was in pin curls. I added a black flower in my hair with feather detail, tights and low black heels to complete my pin up/vintage look.  I felt great, looked good and I was happy with the look.  The wedding went well.  The ceremony was especially moving due to the personal written vows by the bride and groom.  I managed to keep it together and not cry during the ceremony.  Everyone seemed pleased with my officiating and that made me happy. Afterwards we partied down.  And between the dancing, drinking, the good food and the great company it was a stellar day.

In closing, I know this isn’t best blog I’ve written.  At least it’s being written.  Several of you have reached out and mentioned that you like reading my blog.  And have been encouraged by my writing it.  So it’s encouraging to hear that someone out there is actually reading it and liking it.  I always welcome feedback, so keep it coming.