And Then There Was Grief

Today’s Attire:  black thigh length spaghetti strap tiered lace tank tunic (Macy’s $14) black knee length cotton walking shorts (Ashley Stewart $14), black and white mesh loafers (Rockport Outlet $19).

Outfit Justification:  Today’s outfit is very simple. And yes I’m wearing all black again. But this time it isn’t just because it’s easy, it’s because I’m in mourning. There was death in my family over the weekend and I found out last night.

My Relationship With Death:

As mentioned above, I had a death in the family. Actually it was a family friend. Her name was Becky. And she was like a surrogate grandmother to me. She was like a mother to my mom. And since I found out last night from my mom, I haven’t really dealt with it in my mind.  She was in her 80’s. She lived a long life, but it’s still hard when someone leaves this world.  Some of my early fashion items were a result of things she’d given me over the years.  She’d call my mom and ask me to come up and grab the bag of goodies. Sometimes it was fun accessories, other times it was cute jeans, and sometimes it was yummy pies and cakes.  I loved going up to her apartment and looking at all cool antique jewelry she had.  And my mother loved it as well.  Becky gave me a bracelet that is my favorite accessory that I own. It’s a beautiful large rhinestone bracelet.  I love this piece because it’s blinged out, but not in a gaudy way. It’s classic. I have worn it to every formal event that I’ve attended since my junior prom in high school.  Now it’s the only thing I have of hers. I will miss her so much.  She was the grandmother I never had.

This blog isn’t going to be a fun one, because I’m sad.  But I decided when I started writing my blog, that I would be very honest about my life and my feelings. I’ve seen a lot of death in my life. And I like many people have difficulties with it. I run from it.  Some of you don’t know, but my father died when I was 11. That has made a very profound impact on my life.  My issues with death and abandonment stem from this one event in my life.  I run from death.  I don’t go to funerals, wakes or memorials.  I’ve attended a few in my life.  The ones I’ve attended, I’ve had to leave early because I’m so overwhelmed with emotion I have to leave. It’s paralyzing.  Even at my dad’s rosary and funeral, I couldn’t stay till the end.  Hearing the loud wailing of my aunts, seeing him in the casket, I was barely old enough to understand what was going on. It was a very hard thing to endure at age 11. My father died right after Thanksgiving. It’s the reason why I have a hard time with that particular holiday to this day, it reminds me of the time when my father died. That event changed me and my life forever.

Death is never easy on anyone.  It affects everyone differently. Death invokes a great deal amount of fear in me. One of the hardest things for me to accept is that as I grow older, more and more people that I love will die.  I’m an only child and my mother is all that I have left.  And when the day comes that she should leave this earth, I fear that I’ll fall completely apart.  The fear of loss is one of my biggest fears. It affects every relationship I have, especially my marriage.  There’s a part of me that always freaks out a little bit whenever my husband goes off to work or anywhere and I’m not with him. When he comes home late and hasn’t called, in the back of mind, I’m worried that he’s been taken from me.  He’s been in accident or something awful has happened. When he gets a cold or the flu, I’m paranoid that this is the illness that will end his life.  I know this isn’t rational, but that’s a tiny part of my brain that feels that way.  Again, I’m dealing with this. And this isn’t news to him. He does his best reassure me that we’ll be together forever, but in life there’s no guarantee.

This irrational fear of death has even affected my friendships. I’ve recently ended a friendship because a close friend of mine has chosen a path of drugs and destruction that I know will kill him. And I can’t bear to watch him die. It hurts like hell that I no longer have this friendship. And when I see him, it hurts me to know that we are no longer friends because he chose his addiction to drugs (and alcohol) over our close friendship. I’ve lost a few friends to drug abuse and addiction. And I swear it’s like losing my dad all over again when it happens.  I don’t have the strength to endure that.

I conclude with this thought about death and my fear.  Because I’m Christian and I believe in heaven, it does make me feel better that I know they’ve gone on to a better place. I know that these people who I have loved, will continue to live in my memory and my heart. I do my best to remember the good times with them.  I was fortunate to have them in my life. I try not to let my irrational fear of death rule my entire life. The fear is there.  But I have to learn from it. The best lesson I have learned is to live each day to the fullest. Tell my friends and loved ones that I love them and show them how much they mean to me on a daily basis.  That’s the way I balance it all out.  Please after reading this, please tell someone how much they mean to you, just because.  That’s the best gift you can give anyone.