Heart vs. Head

Today’s Attire: red tiered cotton blouse (White House Black Market $29), medium wash premium skinny jeans (Gap Outlet $29) black Addidas sneakers (Lady Footlocker $68) accessorized with a black bandana.

Outfit Justification: There is no justification for this outfit. I look like I got dressed in the dark and in 5 minutes and that’s exactly what happened.  My outfit is a basically a nightmare due to the fact that I got no time in the bathroom thanks to my loving husband, and there’s no real justification or defending it.

Heart vs Head in the Pursuit of a Dream:

Last night I went out to see my friend, Starr, sing background for a Carole King Tribute Band.  I do my best to support Starr when I can because one, I get a musical education each time I go out to see her, like I did last night (I had no idea Carole King wrote so many awesome songs). Two, I get the opportunity to watch someone who has impressive stage presence for basically no cost and I get to observe how it should be done up close and personal. Three, my friend has amazing voice and it’s always nice to watch her perform because it inspires me. It’s nice to have a friend who is doing what I would like to be doing, but instead of being envious I’m enjoying her success and learning from it.  And even though I’m like a Starr stalker puppy, Starr appreciates the support. She’s also very encouraging.  When people greet her, she always introduces me as a fantastic singer as well.  Which she totally doesn’t have to do, but it’s nice and very encouraging.

After her gig we headed to Howl At The Moon at Universal City Walk for live band karaoke.  It was a fun time.  I do enjoy watching other singers get up and have their rock star moment with a full live band. And right now this is the closest I get to singing with a band so it’s good.  The funny thing is when I got there last night I heard a few people sing and got intimidated and had almost resigned to just watching. But the truth is I wanted to get up there and sing. I need the practice. I need to keep working and improving my performance skills. 

My head gets in the way of me moving forward.  This isn’t news to me.  I’m afraid I don’t have what it takes to do this regularly.  I feel my age when I get up there. I don’t look my age, but I feel the insecurities that go with age. I’m self-conscious because I’m overweight, and I think nobody wants to see someone like me get up there and rock it out.  I am actively doing something about losing the weight, but it’s not going to come off overnight. And I’m not willing to do the extreme things to make it come off overnight. I worry that I don’t have the appeal I had 4 years ago when I was performing with a band. And I think I’m trying to brace myself for the blow of rejection.

Despite the emotional issues that I struggle with as I pursue this journey I do make progress.  I work with my vocal coach. I continue to sing. I continue to try songs that I’ve never attempted before. I’m working on making little improvements here and there to proceed on.  I’m not just sitting in our apartment waiting for someone to show up at my door and say “Hey, we heard you were a decent singer and we’d like for you to come sing in our band”.  I’m not unrealistic like that.  I’m doing what I can to put myself out there. I have a business card with my info on it that I give people.  I tell people I’m actively looking for a project. If I see an opportunity for an opening, I apply for it like a job. It’s not easy, and I don’t expect it to be. But I’m saying that it is harder now than it was 4 years ago.

So I got my opportunity to sing with the band last night. I sang Rolling in the Deep. I got a decent response from the band, and the audience.  My husband videotaped it with my phone. It was an OK performance. It felt good to perform with a band.  I didn’t feel confident up there. I felt self-conscious of my weight, my hair, my outfit and everything. I was worried about cracks in my voice as I hit certain notes. I got through it. I sang a second time and pulled out Heartbreaker. It was also OK.  But I felt so unsure. It wasn’t the rush I normally get after singing.   Afterwards, a nice guy came up and complimented me. It was so nice. He asked me if I was working with someone at the moment I shook my head no. He said I should be. He said that I lit up the stage and it was very refreshing.  He even asked to take a picture with me as if I was a celebrity. Everyone at the table said that I had a fan.  That made me smile.

I’ve always felt like I was destined for something big and great. I didn’t know what it was going to be. In recent years I had hoped that it was going to be singing. The feeling I have isn’t backed by confidence or isn’t based on anything tangible or real. It’s just a feeling that’s a reaction to all the feedback I’ve received in my life. The feeling is a contradiction to everything I’m thinking about myself right now.  My heart says “I can do this. And I can and will do it well. Follow your dreams they’re going to take you places”. My head is saying “You’re washed up, old and fat.  You need to walk away and figure something else out. Stop following this stupid dream”.  And I’m sure that other creative people have this struggle within them. As I write this my heart is losing ground to my head. But maybe by writing this and getting it out in the universe maybe the tables will turn. Maybe my heart will win out in the end.  When it came to love, my heart won that battle.  Perhaps the heart is the contender that wins it all. Only time will tell.