50 Shades of Vivian

Today’s Attire: Today I’m wearing a blue and black striped maxi dress (Ross $16) and my orange leather sandals with gold stud detail (Macy’s $26).

Outfit Justification: I wore this dress because it matches my hair, blue and black. I didn’t put any thought into my outfit because I haven’t been sleeping very well and it was a miracle that I was able to get up and function this morning and still get to work on time. I feel like I look cute, even if I don’t.

50 Shades of Vivian:

Since last Thursday, I’ve been completely a mess in terms of my emotions and feelings. Ever since my director asked if I’d be willing to take a job opportunity in another facility, I’ve been freaking out.  For those of you who I haven’t talked to, I’m finally revealing the location.  They’ve asked me if I’m willing to move to Vancouver British Colombia. (Also known as Canada) I know many of you don’t consider Canada another country and this shouldn’t be a big deal. Well it’s a big deal to me because I’ve have never left the United States. In fact, I don’t even have a passport. (Yes I know I should get one, especially now). It’s not that I haven’t wanted to leave the US, I just haven’t had the opportunity to do so, until now.  And uprooting my life and my husband’s life for a job is extremely scary for me.  Because I need a lot of guidance regarding this, I had to talk to people. I know the decision is ours to make, but I need to talk to people who’ve been there, who made big moves in their lives, who I trust, and who have known me for a long time. I need feedback.

As a result of my talking to parties that would be affected, I managed to stir up a whole bunch of drama in my family. The people most affected are our parents. My mother is really angry with me for even considering this move.  I mean really angry. My husband’s parents have mixed feeling about this too. My father in law is said that I have to take of my mom into consideration because she’s alone and that means I’ve got her move her up there with me. My mother in law was super supportive but said she would really miss us if we left. I could see the emotion in her eyes and that really affected me.  I spoke to my aunt who lives in Tacoma, Washington to get her feedback and she’s against me moving there. My aunt and cousin in Vegas are for me moving up there because they feel like I’ve sacrificed my whole life to be close to home because of whatever reason. They see it as a chance for me to be really happy. At lunch yesterday when I was asked how I felt about the whole thing, I just collapsed into a fit of tears. And as a result I feel horrible about the whole thing.

There are so many things to consider:

• Being so far away from my family
• Being so far away from my friends
• How much of an impact will this have on my career? (My career that actually pays me)
• Moving away from established relationships with doctors, dentists, hairdresser, vocal coach
• Weather and climate affecting my mood and my health
• Citizenship and Visa issues
• The financial aspects
• Changes to our lifestyle
• Implications for my singing career (the career that doesn’t pay me)
• Can I take a risk like this being so close to 40 and recover from this if this turns out to be an epic failure
• Can I even do the job their asking me to do

So many more things I can’t list because my head is buzzing from all this. I can honestly say I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since this came about. And I know nothing good can come from not trying and getting myself out there. But this is a big leap. This isn’t going out for an audition or going for an interview and if I don’t’ do well nothing really changes. This is changing my entire life and changing my husband’s life. I’ve never been put in the position to make such a jump like this.  Deciding to get married or to not have children was an easier choice than this for me.

My heart and head are all over the place. In many ways I want something new like this to get me out of my rut.  I want the opportunity to shine and soar in a new place. I’d love to the opportunity to say “I’m big in Canada”. This appeals to me on so many levels. This opportunity could open a lot more doors for me than I even know existed. But again it’s about making that really big leap. And I don’t know if can make that big of a leap.

Sorry to beat a topic to death. I most likely won’t bring this up via the blog again, but I needed to get this out there and really let you know what’s going on with me emotionally. If my blog is a bit more scattered than usual it’s because I’m still preoccupied with this big decision.  Please bear with me as I’m dealing with this.