Blog No More?

Today’s Fashion Attire: Today I’m wearing a black cotton one shoulder batwing top (White House Black Market Outlet $38) dark wash skinny jeans (Gap Outlet $26) and black boots with stud detail (DSW $43).

Outfit Justification:  I went to bed not feeling very well last night. I woke up feeling the same way. These were the first two items I could find that looked clean in the pile of clothes.  I’m not even sure if this looks cute or not, but at this point and time I could care less. At least I’m clothed.

Blog No More?:

Today’s blog has been prompted by a few emails and text that were sent to me mentioning how much people like reading my blog. Also that people have noticed that the blog wasn’t written for almost two weeks. I had actually contemplating not writing it any more. In the beginning the blog was new and I noticed that people were reading it. Over time I noticed that the number of people who were reading it were dropping off. This blog is fairly self-serving. It’s all about me and my crazy life, what I’m wearing, and my addiction to shopping, and the pursuit of this ridiculous dream of being a rock singer. I kept thinking to myself, why the hell would anyone want to read this?  You can get the short version of it on Facebook with a status update. I know writing this blog is therapeutic for me.  But I could never understand why anyone would want to read it. I’ll read a blog here and there, but it’s rare.  I find myself so preoccupied with my own life and I never have the time or opportunity to read about someone else’s life. After a while I thought I was pushing my blog onto others.  I felt like I was pushing my life on to others and frankly that’s not what I’m about.  So I thought maybe I’d stop.

That being said, I’ve received a few notes saying how much they appreciated things that were said in my blog. Or people asking me to start posting again.  So I guess people do want to hear what I have to say about things even if it’s silly, or self-serving. Maybe someone who is not me enjoys reading about my life. Who knows it could end up in a song one day or not. 

This blog was originally started way back when to talk about my clothes, because people were interested in hearing about them. It’s changed and evolved into all kinds of things.  I explore issues like low self-esteem, depression, friendships, self-doubt and weight fluctuation.  Not quite the light and fluffy fashion blog I originally envisioned. But it’s been nice to get these things off my chest and out there. I’m not sure how people on the other side feel about it.

So for now I’m letting you know that I’m not sure if there is a demand for this blog. I’m contemplating not writing it any more. I would love for you to chime in if you’re interested in me continuing this journey of writing.  The last thing I want to do is annoy my friends with something like this. 

Retail Therapy Marathon Shopping Day

Today’s Attire: Today I’m wearing signature “I’m too lazy to think about what the hell I’m wearing go to dress” black maxi dress (Old Navy $11). I’m wearing my leopard print Ann Klein flats (DSW $26). Black bandana as a headband. 

Outfit Justification:  I woke up feeling like crap. My back hurts and I’m hot.  These do not bode well for putting together an outfit when you feel like this.  This outfit says “Be glad I’m clothed, because I’d rather be wearing my pajamas”.  In case you hadn’t figured this out, this is my I don’t give a damn outfit.

Retail Therapy Marathon Shopping Day:

Some of you may have seen that I went on a shopping spree over the weekend.  I’m going to go into details about this in a minute.  I only wrote my blog once last week.  Last week was an awful week for me.  My emotions were all over the place and none of them in a good way. I don’t  like spreading that kind of negativity so I opted not to write my blog last week.  The meltdowns of the previous weekend were just the beginning of what was to come last week. I’m still not feeling all that fabulous but I had a decent weekend to quell some of the awfulness of last week. So there it is.

So after having a bad week I needed to do something to make me feel better. I realized that I had a few upcoming events and I needed outfits for them.  Since nothing in my closet was bringing any since of joy I opted to set out and find options to make something in my wardrobe work for any of these events.  I haven’t had the best of luck with shopping trips recently because I’m between sizes. Or things were too expensive for what they were. Or frankly I was just in a bad mood and the shopping spirits weren’t working in my favor.  Well on Saturday the shopping force was with me.  I swear, I was a shopping Jedi or something.  (I’m not sure why I’m throwing in all these Star Wars references.  Maybe it’s to keep my husband interested in this particular blog)

I’ve got some events coming up.  This Saturday night I have a gig. The gig is an unconventional one because it isn’t a set stage and I’m singing a song. It’s an interactive musical experience and the focus isn’t just on the performers.  Also I’ll be moving around a lot and it going to get hot. So I was trying desperately to find something cute to wear that I can sweat in.  The next event is my second wedding anniversary. Since I, along with my husband, have become enamored with the whole pinup look, I really wanted to find something appropriate for our wedding anniversary trip and dinner that fell in line with the pinup culture. Then a few weeks after that is Halloween.  I would like to find a sexy costume that  satisfies all my requirements: must be sexy, must be something easily recognizable and I don’t have to explain what it is, must not get me arrested. So with all of this in mind, I headed out with my partner in crime.

First stop on the shopping tour was a place down the street from our apartment called My BabyJo.  This store sells vintage pin up inspired clothing for women and men. And since it was down the street from where we lived it made  the most sense to start there.  It was ridiculously hot on Saturday and this place had no AC, so it was difficult shopping. But Jeff and I found so many cute things to try we pushed through the miserable heat and had a ball. I tried on a bunch of dresses that I thought would be appropriate for my anniversary.  And I was pleased that some of them actually fit. In a previous trip to this store I was still too big to fit in their attire despite the fact that they had plus sizes.  I still find that even the pin up shops the plus sizes still run relatively small.  At the end of the trip, I left there with a gorgeous blue and black pencil skirt, two sassy off the shoulder tops: one in black, one that was black and white striped, and one black lace halter wiggle dress.  The black and white top went so well with the shorts I was wearing, I wore it out of the shop.

Next on our shopping tour was lunch. And since I had received an invite to a pin up store yard sale in a few weeks, I decided to take a trip out to the store in advance to see if there was anything this store that would fit me. The store is in Burbank.  Since we were heading to Burbank, Jeff asked if we could have lunch at the original Bob’s Big Boy.  Since he was so enthusiastic when he asked I of course agreed.  We had a lovely lunch and even posed with the big Bob’s statue outside.

After lunch we headed to Pin Up Clothing in Burbank.  This place was like Disneyland to Jeff and myself.  I’ve never seen Jeff get so excited about being in a clothing store.  In all fairness I’m thinking his ADD medication might have kicked in along with the caffeine in his cherry Coke he had Bob’s Big Boy.  The store was big, air conditioned and had all kinds of fantastic and gorgeous things. I picked up one or two items to try on and Jeff went to town and picked out half the store for me try on.  Once I was in the fitting room it was magic. The things in this store were made for my body.  80 percent of everything I tried on fit me so well.  Jeff was enjoying the fashion show. He wanted me to buy almost everything I tried on.  We had a hard time narrowing it down.  We left the store with a gorgeous leopard print swing dress.  With a vow to be back for everything else Jeff and I fell in love with.  In two weeks, we’ll be back for the yard sale event fully prepared.

After this successful venture, we headed to Glendale Galleria.  We stopped at the Macy’s there. We picked out a bunch of stuff try on.  Some of it was for comical purposes because some of the items we saw were ridiculous.  We were pleasantly surprised when one of the items I tried on was a this beautiful gold goddess dress 3 sizes smaller than I normally wear.  It actually fit!  That was the major score of the day because it was a size 10 and on sale for $19.99 when it was originally $150!  After leaving there we headed over to my favorite store White House Black Market. There we scored a beautiful black and white patterned dress that looked so cute on me in the store and was super on sale.  We left there and then headed to Torrid.  We scored a pair of to the knee black boots that actually fit my very large calves.  That was a major success.  The boots were the end of a very successful shopping day.

I was so happy with all my purchases, I decided to put everything thing on again and photograph them post them Facebook.  The thrill of having a successful shopping day really brought my spirits up and improved my self-esteem which had been in the toilet most of the week.  It was indeed retail therapy.  I have to spend a special shout out to my husband Jeff, who’s enthusiasm really helped to make this trip a special one. 

Holy Meltdown, Batman!

Today’s Fashion Attire: Today I’m wearing a royal blue Google/Imageworks t-shirt (Sony Pictures Imageworks, free), dark wash skinny jeans (Gap Outlet $26), silver sneakers with mesh detail (New Balance Outlet $25).  I’ve accessorized with a silver belt (Torrid $9).

Outfit Justification: I have to tell you, I’m not wild about wearing this. But I was asked to wear this t-shirt because a good number of our staff is moving to G-mail. The t-shirts are to indicate that we’re “Google Guides”. To help people out with the Google and G-mail questions.  Even though this t-shirt is my favorite color, I really didn’t want to wear it. Mainly because it’s not the most stylish t-shirt they could have given me.  Last night I spend the evening trying to make the thing wearable.  I prefer V-neck tees because I have a large chest. So in effort to make the shirt a bit more feminine, I cut out the neck and made it swoop a bit more than it did.  The arms on the shirt were a little too tight, so I cut off the edge of the sleeve, then cut slits at the top of the sleeve and the bottom. I did the best I could with my limited designing skills. I wish my friend Carolina or Amanda were around they could do something to this t-shirt to make it so much cuter.  I was tempted to “flashdance” the heck out of the neck of this shirt and come in looking like Jennifer Beals.  My husband restrained me from doing so.

Holy Meltdown, Batman!

Over the weekend I had several meltdowns while getting dressed. Some of them were minor meltdown, other were full blown throwing things and screaming “I’m not going anywhere, nothing fits!” meltdowns. Like the immature brat that I am, I of course when on Facebook and changed my status.  This was not my finest hour, my friends. I’m embarrassed to admit that I’m a freak like this. But the truth of the matter is, I am. I don’t like leaving the house not looking my best.  Recently as my body changes things aren’t looking as fabulous on me and it really upsets me.  I realize no one gives a damn about what I wear, but me. I’m not some celebrity that’s being photographed by the paparazzi, or heading to a red carpet event on a regular basis.  I’m a nobody who writes a blog because it’s therapeutic and somewhat entertaining to my friends.

This weekend’s meltdowns were brought to you by our sponsors: the world’s largest gut, hair that refuses to look nice no matter what, and being a plus size girl who is in between plus size and regular size. Our proud sponsors put me in a screaming yelling crying frenzy this weekend. My husband was so thrilled to be around me because of our fine sponsors. No matter what this man said or did, it was wrong. At one point I banished him to the living room and basically dared him to combat anything that wasn’t negative about me.  At one point I think I said or probably thought “Stop effing complimenting me because you’re giving me a false sense of security when none of it’s true”.  Poor Jeff was just trying to be a supportive husband. He had no idea what kind of demonic lunatic he married to until he saw the conniption fits I threw. Yes I know, I suck. The anger wasn’t directed at him, it was directed at me.

Unfortunately I don’t have any words of advice about how to stop these horrendous meltdowns. Being in transition sucks. Yes I’m actively working out and eating better in effort to try and get healthy and slim down. It’s really heartbreaking to me to put on gorgeous top and bottom and it look so great everywhere but my stomach area. My feelings get hurt when I’m about to leave the house a zipper breaks on my skirt or dress.  I have a hard time looking in the mirror sometimes and trying to focus on the positive when all I can see are all the flaws screaming at me. 

At one point this weekend, I thought to myself “Who the hell am I to write a fashion blog? Why would anyone listen to anything I have to say about putting together an outfit when I clearly can’t dress myself and feel good about it? The amount of self-loathing and poor body image is still a very big issue for me. Yes, I’m still working through it.  Yeah I know I should be seeing a therapist about this.  Obviously I’m not like this all the time, I have my good days and then days like this weekend.  As I’ve said previously, I’m going to be real in this blog. I am a very flawed person, and there’s no point in hiding it.  I felt compelled to share this with people because they might be going through the same thing. Or someone might have some words of wisdom they care to share with me. 

Fashion’s Night Out

Today’s Attire:  Brown tank top with beading detail (White House Black Market $24) underneath a taupe microfiber fringe vest (Torrid $10), dark wash skinny jeans (Gap Outlet $29) and orange sandals with stud detail (Macys $26). I’ve accessorized with a multiple bead and stud bracelet (Torrid $5) and brown leather belt with  gold stud belt buckle (Ed Hardy outlet sale $12) and red cowboy hat (Received as a gag gift for a trip to Saddle Ranch)

Outfit Justification:  There is no justification for this outfit. If I were reading this I would say “WTF?” But there is an explanation.  Today is the last Fabulous Friday celebration here at work.  In the summer, once a month we have a themed party on campus. Today’s theme is western.  So I’m sitting at my desk like a crazy person in this western get up.   This hat hasn’t seen the light of day in about 7 years.  And now twice in the span of a month, it’s making an appearance and various silly functions.  So that’s why I’m dressed like this.

Fashion’s Night Out (FNO):

I’d been receiving emails about FNO all week all week. I didn’t have any intention of really participating in this thing because I didn’t know what the hell it was.  Then yesterday afternoon I was reading an article about it on Yahoo.  FNO is the first day of New York Fashion Week. Fashion events are scheduled on that day all over the world.  In all the style meccas: New York, Paris, Milan, London and LA. The retail industry has recently got into the game with adding fashion shows as well as having special discounts and SWAG for these events.  At some retail events, designers were showing up to the events. Celebrities would do meet and greets and there were musical performances. At the last minute I decided to go to the Beverly Center for their event. I was called about the event from my favorite store White House Black Market (WHBM) on Tuesday.  And of course they were going to be offering a 25% discount on regular priced items I had no choice but to go.  How could I not? Things I love, fashion, music, sale and shopping.  So without thoroughly researching this thing, I went. And I dragged my loving husband.

I hate the Beverly Center. However, the WHBM there treats me very well.  My favorite sales girl always gives me special treatment, picks the most fabulous things for me and always addresses me by name upon entering the store.  The other salespeople know me as well, and were happy to see me.  Some had commented that they hadn’t seen me in a while and that I was looking a lot slimmer. They of course pour me a glass of water or champagne or whatever when I’m there.  So basically they treat me like a super valued customer who has a boatload of money. I don’t have a boat load of money and I have a truckload of coupons because I shop there a lot. But they treat me like I do.  So know this event was going on and I was going to get my discount I went.  Needless to say this place was a zoo.  There were six foot tall skinny girls in 4-5 inch heels wearing fashion’s best.  People were in sequins, studs, maxis, minis, suits, and the best high end club attire. People were dressed to the nines.  I felt under dressed.  I thought I was wearing a cute outfit. But after that I felt fat and dumpy.  I wore my newly purchased  cheetah print scoop neck sweater with black sheer cap sleeves, and a black satin pencil skirt and paired it with  animal print flats with gold stud detail on the toe.  I thought I was cute.  But people looked at me like I had just shown up in a sweat suit. I felt completely out of place.

After dealing with nightmare parking, we headed to WHBM. I was greeted with loud music from the DJ, hugs from my favorite salesperson Raquel with hugs. She asked me how my performance was last week and I said ok. She asked if they were pictures, I showed them. She loved it.  I was appreciating her taking an interest.  The other salesgirls came in and said how great I looked and were pleased to see me.  Jeff and I proceeded to pick out some items for me to try on. Raquel picked even more.  The store was pretty empty because people were checking out the runway shows.   They had a singer and rapper performing in the store front as I was trying on clothes. It was kind of weird but fun.  In the end I chose a gorgeous black dress with a peplum waist that hugged my curves and made me look incredibly fierce.  Everyone in the store that saw me in that dress was in awe of how I looked. I felt good.  I was happy.

After leaving my favorite store I headed into the mall. There was a place where you can take red carpet pictures. I thought I looked cute enough so I opted to stand in line and take a picture. I felt like people were staring at me like I didn’t belong there. I took my picture and wandered over to the fashion show. I snapped a few pictures and then opted to shop more  because the stores were super empty while the show was going on.  I saw some cute items, but I keep getting weird looks that started to make me feel self-conscious.  I was doubting my fashion choices.  I’m really heavy and I can’t work a heel at the weight I am. It’s hard on my knees and back. I felt like everyone was staring at my little Anne Klein leopard print flats like I had just got my shoes from a homeless person.  And then I started to feel fat.  I was completely out of place and just wanted to go home.  We ate dinner at mall food court and left.  To add insult to injury, I split the skirt I was wearing just as I got in my vehicle to go home. Nothing says fat like ripping your clothes just by wearing them.   By the end of the night my self-esteem was a -402 and I just wanted to hide and cry in a hole somewhere.  Just after I cried myself to sleep, I was woken up by an earthquake that scared the crap out of me.  Fun night, eh?

I was still feeling bad about last night this morning.  I saw some really nice responses to my post of sheer regret of being a heavy set frumpy midget (not politically correct, but you’ll have to forgive me this once).  I felt a little better.  Then a coworker who I don’t know very well, came up and gave me a homemade cookie and a hug and that me smile. Then a friend passed along a rather vulgar compliment, that I can’t repeat  and that just brightened up the rest of my day.  I may not think I’m beautiful or attractive and I suffer from low self-esteem. But other people think better of me. My husband is obviously one of those people who thinks I look amazing.  And I swear to God, I wish I had his eyes and perception when I look at myself.  Maybe I’ll be able to understand why he’s crazy enough to be attracted to me. 

Gig Recap

Today’s Attire: Today I’m wearing a black jersey knit cap sleeve tee (White House Black Market $31.50) with a cotton white skirt with thin black stripes (White House Black Market $45.99) with my black and white mesh and leather loafers (Rockport Outlet $19). I accessorized with a wide black belt with silver and gold buckle (White House Black Market Outlet $6), and sequin applique headband (Random accessory store in Santa Barbara $4), and my typical star pendant with matching necklace (Tiffany & Co).

Outfit Justification:  I purchased this outfit over the weekend. The outfit was very flattering on me and my shape. I looked cute in the store and even customers were coming up to me in the store and saying how adorable I looked. Sometimes you can’t ignore unsolicited compliments. So I decided to wear it today.

Gig Recap:

I’ve been dreading writing this particular blog today. I have some very heavy emotions about Friday night’s gig. It didn’t go as well as I hoped.  I spent most of Sunday beating myself up about it. So writing about it gives me a little bit of anxiety. But I made a silent vow with myself that I was going to be very brutally honest about my life in this blog, and I’ve got to continue with it. I owe it to myself (and I guess to my readers).

Let’s start with the good part about it: the wardrobe.  I’ve spent a week working on the outfit. Everything thing revolved around a pair of very special jeans. About 2 weeks ago I walked through Nordstrom and saw these very darling black coated jeans that looked like leather pants. They stopped me dead in my tracks. I examined them up close and personal. They were gorgeous. They had a size I thought I could possibly get into. The salesperson told me to try 2 sizes smaller than I normally wear. I was very quick to explain to her “I’m bigger than I look. And there’s no way in hell I’m going to be able to fit into a size 12 pair of jeans”. She asked me to humor her because they run and big and they stretch. I decided to humor her by trying them on. Low and behold these jeans were some divine invention. Not only did the size 12 fit, they made me look about 2 sizes smaller than I normally look. And they looked hot. My husband confirmed that last tidbit.  Normally when I find a pair of pants/jeans that make me look that good it’s a no brainer purchase.  This wasn’t a no brainer purchase because they were $130. I’m no stranger to expensive designer jeans, but I couldn’t justify that expense. I had to walk away. After almost a full week these jeans were haunting me in my sleep. I tried to find a less expensive similar pair of jeans, but I had to have them. After discussing with my husband and my friend Starr, I had to go back and get them. I spent another hour trying them on and contemplating it. I decided they had to be mine and purchased them. I’m so glad I did. I bought and returned 4 different tops trying to make these magic jeans work for the gig.  Ultimately I found a beautiful black brocade halter corset from Fredericks of Hollywood. This corset did its job by making my midsection smaller and pushed “the girls” on a pedestal to make them scream “Look at me”. The outfit took form with both of these incredibly hot pieces. I then then added a beautiful nylon peplum waist zip up jacket. It was clear I was trying to go for the dark sexy look. I almost looked gothic with more polish to it than a typical goth look. In many ways that’s who I think I am as an artist. I completed the outfit with new black boots that had silver studs and the ankle.  My hair was swooped up into an up do. I completed the look with extra dramatic false eyelashes, black sparkly eye shadow and dark blue eyeliner and bronze shimmer on my lips. After it was all put together, I looked great. I got so many compliments. I was nervous. 

I spent a week staying away from karaoke, practicing my two songs. But even throughout the week I noticed I was having issues. Some were voice related issues and the other was a huge attack of the nerves.  Included with this was a huge case of self-doubt. All week I was worried. And when Friday night rolled around inside I was freaking out. I was trying to psych myself up. Trying to get into my zone, I did my warm ups, drank my throat coat tea and water.  Listened to the songs over and over on repeat to make sure I had the lyrics down.

Reality Bites:

I’m going to write this part fast because it hurts my heart to even think about it. I wasn’t as good as I expected to be. I messed up and forgot lyrics. I sang a song I hadn’t planned on singing because of a miscommunication.  In my head this was an absolute disaster. I started with Old Time Rock And Roll. I started well and then flubbed a line because the self-doubt was getting to me. And when we went into Open Arms, I was freaking out because I couldn’t remember the words because this wasn’t a song I had practiced. I was mortified. I wasn’t good at hiding the fact that I didn’t remember the words. I started fidgeting as I screwed up the words. I was freaked. I was mortified. I was hating myself for screwing this up.  I was grateful that not many of my friends had shown up because I didn’t want them see how badly I was screwing this up.

After the songs I sang lead on were over, I was asked to stay up on stage and sing back up. I was happy to do that because that was fun. But at the same time I wanted to get the hell of that stage and go cry in the bathroom and hide. But I was up there and did the best that I could. It helped that my friend Starr was up there too. Singing back up for her was a big honor. 

Somehow I think that helped me get through the end of the night. I tried not to wallow on my disaster of a performance. People were complimenting me during the break. I appreciated that. When people said I was great, I had to fight the urge to say “No I sucked big time, but thanks for being nice”.  I smiled and thanked them.  My husband was really excited and said I did great. But he could see that I wasn’t very happy with my performance. The end of night came, I had the opportunity to mess up another lead song that I can normally do in my sleep. The damage was done. I felt like a huge failure. I felt like I had let down my friends Starr and Patrick, who were kind enough to give me the shot.

I think I did my best to suppress my feelings and thoughts on Saturday. I managed to shop my cares away for a bit. I had a pleasant evening with my inlaws and my husband. Because I believe in self sabotage I drank too much to the point where I got sick. Sunday I was hungover most of the day.  My husband wanted to do something to cheer me up and let me see the video he took of my performance. Watching it all over again sent me off somewhere terrible. I was horribly upset seeing how imperfect I was. He tried to convince me it wasn’t that bad. I’m a perfectionist. Seeing such a flawed performance hurt me to the core. Jeff explained to me that it’s only been 2 months since I had surgery and the recovery of that has been hard on me. He said I needed to cut myself a break. It will get better from here. He said he had faith in me. He said he believed in me.  He told me that he doesn’t like to see me beat myself up over this. Between his consoling and encouraging texts from Starr, I finally conceded to not wallow anymore and move on.

So that’s where I am.  I’m still wounded from my less than perfect performance, but at least I got out there. Hopefully I will get the chance again to prove that I’m better than that.