Battling Issues

Today’s Attire: Pajamas

Justification for outfit: The attire is perfect for my mood. PJ’s are not meant to be worn outside the home. I wear them for comfort and for staying in.  Based on  the way I feel I don’t have any intentions of leaving the house.

Battling Issues:

Before I start this blog, I need to preface this with a few statements.  This might upsetting and I’m sorry for that.  This blog isn’t going to be a positive one. I’m not looking for advice at this moment in time. And I really don’t want people to make statements to try and give me perspective.  Meaning, please don’t say things like “at least you’re this”, or “or at least you have that” “or at least you’re employed”.  All this does is minimize my feelings and make me feel guilty for being unhappy despite the good things in my life. That doesn’t help me. I realize that other people in the world have bigger problems than me. And I don’t mean to sound like a spoiled brat, but the bottom line is that I’m having a rough time.  I write this blog to be informative, to be therapeutic, and when I’m doing well, to entertain.  At this beginning of this blog I said I was going to be real.  Here’s me being real.

This is usually a pretty dark time for me going into the holidays.  I don’t have that warm fuzzy feeling people get when the holidays approach.  But the holidays blues are settling in a bit earlier than normal for me.  I’m usually good through Halloween. And once Thanksgiving comes I start feeling really bad.  Thanksgiving is the anniversary of my father’s death. My father died in 1984, when I was 11.  This is something that happened almost 28 years ago, but it still affects me. His birthday is in December.  I love my father and I miss him very much.  Yes this was a long time ago, but that sadness is something  that I still deal with. The grief sorta haunts me through the good things. So I deal with this. Yes, I’ve seen a therapist about this, but nothing stops sadness or bad feelings. It’s hard to deal with.

Work has been particularly hectic.  The feeling of unproductiveness and the worry of a possible layoff plagues me. I really do the best that I can do when I’m there. Sometimes it gets to me. I care about things I shouldn’t care about. I’m not being paid to manage anyone. But I see things that aren’t right, and I do my best to correct or fix them, and then things happen and it’s upsetting. At work these things bother me more recently: 

People around me get rewarded for bad behavior

I get chastised for doing my job or trying to get it done despite other people goofing off 

People give me a hard time for being out for illness still

People aren’t reliable when I need them to do something

Or they give me attitude when I do ask them to do something that is their job

I’m constantly cleaning up after someone else’s mess

Office politics are really finally getting to me

Someone in my department acts like a child and it’s really annoying because the powers that be think it’s OK and cute.

I realize things could be a lot worse. I like my job a lot. I love the company I work for. But these issues along with my personal issues are really getting to me.

My health is something that I’m still struggling with. Despite all the things I went through leading up to my gallbladder surgery and the recovery I’m still not feeling well. I don’t have any real symptoms that I can head to the doctor for, but I’m not feeling well. And I don’t feel like spending the money to say “hey I don’t know what it is, but I’m just not feeling great”.  I’m not sleeping well again. I have nightmares.  I wake up feeling like I haven’t slept at all. I feel like my throat is hurts like every other day and sometimes my voice feels like it wants to be have and other times it doesn’t. I’m taking my vitamins, and my other daily medications every day. I do get some physical activity in my life, I’m sure it’s not enough, but it is better than nothing. I’m still going to my weekly Zumba class. I do eat well.  I watch what I’m eating, as well as portion size. But despite all that, I keep the weight on. I keep playing with the same 5 pounds since July.

The issue that has been affecting me the worse is poor body image. Despite all my efforts to lose weight, and dress the body that I have, I hate the way I look. I really hate the way I look. I hate mirrors. As I write this, I feel the emotion heating up from the hatred that I have for my body, face and hair. I am so angry with myself for looking the way that I do. When I lost the weight the first time I swore I would never get this big again. I screwed up. I gained it all back. I hate myself for letting this happen.  Now as I battle a low thyroid, and I’m facing down the gun of 40 years old and with all my efforts to lose the weight I fail.  I see a gross stomach, horrible arms, and thighs and a fat face. And no matter what cute dress or outfit I find, it doesn’t mask this truly ugly body that I have. My husband does his best to convince me that he sees me as beautiful. No matter what size I am. I think he’s nuts. I don’t see it. All I see is me putting on 15 different things in the morning or the evening and watching them not fit right. Putting on a costume that was custom made for me and looking at my fat belly despite wearing a waist cincher and body shaper make its appearance. Everyday I’m faced with an extremely ugly fat girl in the mirror. And my efforts to make her go away fail every time and it hurts me to the core of my being.

I know this all evidence of lingering depression. I’ve been off antidepressants for months. I don’t want to go back on them. When I went back on this last time, I never felt better on them. I never got any relief from my issues.  I just felt off. Sometimes numb. But not good. Never OK. When I went off the meds the last time and got through all the health issues in the spring and early summer I started to feel OK.  Never great. Just OK. And OK was good enough at the time. Now I feel lousy, but I feel like it’s seasonal.  But I don’t know.

And then there’s the music stuff. And thinking about this hurts my heart too. Pursuing the dream of being a singer has really not helped any of these situations.  I feel like all my efforts seem to fall flat with this.  I work hard at improving my skills. I practice, I work with vocal coach, I sing regularly at karaoke.  People hear me sing and they think I’m amazing. I go on auditions, I pass out business cards, I submit myself for things that might be a good fit for me, but nothing comes of it. Then I hear comments like “Why aren’t singing professionally? Why aren’t you in a band? You’re so much better than people we seen on the American Idol.  I hope you’re doing something with that voice!” But the sad there is nothing. I work with a project that seems to be on hold right now. My last audition got cancelled, not postponed they cancelled it. When I look through the ads for vocalist they specify “must not be heavy” “Must be hot” “Must sound like Beyonce, Rihanna”  “Must be under 25”  It’s so frustrating, because I’m not anything of these things. I’m just a girl, with a big voice, who likes to sing rock. I don’t want to be a jazz, gospel or R&B singer. Yes I can sing these styles but it’s not what I want to do or what I do best.  But I feel like I’m never going to get the opportunity to do what I want here.

Needless to say I’m feeling awful and low. And despite the good things in my life right now, the bad stuff is getting in the way. When I move forward in any direction, it feels like I can’t get beyond my obstacles. And I’m hurting in so many ways. The love and support I have from my husband isn’t helping right now. I do my best to put my “best face” on Facebook. Posting pictures, and random positive stuff, because that’s what I think Facebook should be about. But behind all of that and closed doors, there’s a very damaged human being out there trying to get through a really rough time.  So I apologize if I’m not there for you like a good friend should be if you’re going through something. My struggles are suffocating me right now and I’m doing the best that I can to just get out of bed and put one foot in front of the other in my life. All I ask is that you just you keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I deal with this.

My Love Affair With Karaoke

Today’s Attire:  To Be Determined.

Outfit Justification: I don’t have to justify my outfit because I’m still in bed and not dressed for the day yet.

My Love Affair With Karaoke:

Without sounds like boastful jerk, I have to say that I’m a decent singer.  I’m not saying I’m the best in the world. But singing is something that I’m good at. I would hope that I would be pretty good at it since it’s something I’ve been doing since I was 5 years old. (It would totally suck to do something this long and totally suck at it) It probably has something to do with the fact that I love it. It’s therapeutic for me. It’s my way of expression.  And when I do sing, people don’t run for the hills screaming “What is that God awful noise coming from that woman?” So this is a good thing.

When I sing I enjoy performing.  That means I don’t get up there and look dead behind the eyes when the song is coming out of me. I sing with emotion, passion and fire.  I dance around. I air guitar during musical breaks. I engage my audience with eye contact, smiles, and whatever else. As my friend Shane, a KJ at a local bar says, “You got a show to do”.  In my mind, karaoke is one big long variety show. And I’m a guest singer with little mini sets.  So I feel the need to put on the show.  Frankly I like to treat it that way. I know it’s weird. No one is coming to bar paying to hear me sing. But the way I see it, is they’re in the bar, they know it’s karaoke, so they don’t expect much from the singing, so I might as well entertain or amuse them some way. 

My approach to karaoke is that everyone deserves to feel like a rock star for the duration of a song.  My singing of karaoke is not to compete with anyone. I love when other singers get up there and really sing a song well and have fun doing it. I love singing along when it’s a song I love.   Although I do find that people try to compete with me for whatever reason. I hate that. With the rise of singing reality shows, I find that the need to compete with other singers at a karaoke bar is at an ultimate high.  People have a tendency to think there can only be one good singer for the night. I hate when someone gets up to sing a song and they’re really good, but their attitude stinks. They act all douchey towards everyone else because they think they’re the best.  It annoys me to see this. Because karaoke isn’t about that, it’s about having fun. If you’re that good, take your act on the road, go to an open mic night, audition for American Idol, X-Factor and The Voice. Go be a star some place else, and stop ruining everyone’s good time.

Last week, I went to a bar that’s close to where I live.  It’s close and it’s cheap.  It gets super crowded there, but it was a Friday night and I learn to expect this. I was having a reasonably good time until I found out one of the contestants from American Idol and The Voice was at the bar.  I’d seen her at the bar a few weeks back. When I saw her the previous time, she was with a group of friends. Her friends were kinda  nice and cool. She was kind of a bitch. Her friends were telling one of my friends that she was a former finalist/contestant. And were both like great looking forward to hearing her sing. I actually sang sometime before her, mid way through my song got up walked in front of me while I was singing. Ok that was rude. Then she was rude to the KJ, which I saw multiple times. When she got up to sing, she wasn’t that good.  I was disgusted by all of this.   So last week when I saw her again, I was hoping it was a freak incident and maybe she was just having a bad night and then her attitude would have changed. No such luck.  She was impatient with the KJ, trying to get him to move her up she kept trying to convince him by saying she was amazing. Her friends were also trying to convince him to move her up because she was so amazing. He told them, she would have to be patient like everyone else. Then she proceeded to cross other people’s names off the list and say that they left so she could take their place. Really chick? When she got up to sing she did the same song I saw her do last time, and she was still not amazing.  In fact just was just barely mediocre.  At one point during her song she locked eyes on me and it was quite obvious that she was expecting me to be impressed by her version of Amy Winehouse. I wasn’t impressed. Anyone who knows me, knows that I have quite expressive facial expressions.  You can tell what I’m thinking just by looking at me. I made sure that egotistical brat knew I wasn’t impressed by her Amy Winehouse by staring back her unimpressed, unamused, and unsmiling. She finally got the point and moved to sang to someone else.  I don’t respect that kind of behavior. As a singer, I don’t behave that way. No one should behave that way. But if you’ve been on television with some mild success you have even less reason to come to a karaoke bar and behave that way. I know this makes me sound like asshole, but if this was a competition I could sing circles around that idiot girl and show her what impressive is. It would be easy to fall into the trap of getting a big head from all the compliments I get about my singing. Then walk around like I’m God’s gift to singing and treat people like they don’t matter. But what does that get you? A bunch of people that think you’re a douchebag and don’t want to work with you because you have a terrible attitude.

I’m fortune it enough to have the ability to sing. I thank God everyday for my voice.  It’s a gift and he blessed me with it.  Not everyone has that ability and I’m humbled that I have it.  I do my best to not take it for granted. But I use it to the best of my ability. So when I go somewhere and I sing and someone compliments me, I don’t behave like I deserved that compliment. Because frankly no one has to say anything to you when they hear you sing at a bar. I’m grateful that someone took the time to come over to say something.  In the last few weeks several people have said the nicest things to me. Even now as I write this, I smile because their words warm my heart. A few nights ago, when I sang a guy came up and bought me a drink. He said “I wanted to buy you a drink because I feel like I should pay you in some way for that performance”.  I told him that was silly and we were all there to have a good time.  It was still a sweet gesture.  When we were in Vegas for our anniversary, I did karaoke in a casino lounge.  The casino wasn’t huge, but it was big enough.  I got up to sing and for a few minutes the lounge, the bar and part of the casino stopped to hear me sing. Scared the crap out of me.  When it was over it was the loudest applause I’ve heard for awhile.  We went walking to other places, and people in other casinos were stopping me to tell me how great my voice was, or how amazing the thought I was. Honestly I was shocked by that, but I was so grateful that I could have that kind of effect. Then the next day I was back home at a bar and some guy who was at the bar saw me sing and heard all 3 of my songs that night said “This might sound wrong or come off as weird. But I’ve never seen someone like you do so many different types of songs and nail all of them.  Why are you even in a karaoke bar?  You shouldn’t be singing karaoke.  Alicia Keys, Radiohead, Bon Jovi? And you have all this power. It sounds like you have too much power for this room and it needs to be contained, but there isn’t a stadium to contain that much power.  Frankly all I can say is ‘Wow’.  You are so talented and need to do something with this beyond a karaoke bar. I’m so glad I got to see this first hand.  You are fantastic”. It took me a while to process all of that because I wasn’t sure where he was going with all of that. It was a big compliment. A bit over the top, but still a nice compliment.  However I’ll never believe that I’m better than karaoke. Gospel is where I got my early training, school is where that training was refined, karaoke is where I got the ability to perform. And ultimately karaoke is where I discovered that I could do things I never expected with my voice. Karaoke showed me the possibilities of what could be. Karaoke will always hold a special place in my heart for all the good things that it brings, the lessons that I’ve learned, and the possibility of the singing career I could have.  Thank you karaoke.  

A Public Love Letter To My Husband

Today’s Attire: Red cotton tiered sleeveless blouse (White House Black Market $26), dark wash skinny jeans (Gap Outlet $29), black and white mesh and leather loafers (Rockport Outlet $26)

Outfit Justification: I packed very quickly when I was leaving for an out of town wedding yesterday. This is what I packed.  Red is a good color for me, and jeans don’t require thought.  I’m clothed…outfit justified.

A Public Love Letter To My Husband:

Today’s blog is dedicated to my husband of almost 2 years. On Wednesday we celebrate our 2 year wedding anniversary.  So the format of today’s blog will be a bit unorthodox.  It will not be mushy as you might expect. But some things need to be said, and I’m all about the truth with this blog. So here you have it.

My husband Jeff is a great man. I would not have married him if I didn’t think he was great. Having been exposed to the less than great guys, it was an extra bonus to find the greatest guy for me. I have often been told by other people how wonderful they think Jeff is.  They are right. He’s a wonderful man. I’m not sure about a lot of things in life, but I’m sure this one thing. This man truly loves me. There is no doubt in my mind that he does. It is evident to those around us that he loves me. It’s all in the way he looks at me. Throughout our entire relationship people have often commented on the way Jeff looks at me.  It’s a look of admiration, respect, appreciation and joy. He looks at me as if he’s meeting me for the first time and I’m that someone he’s been looking for.  I’m not reading into his look. This is what he’s told me.  It’s the look that you want your significant other to give you everyday.

We are very fortunate to have found each other. We are very happy.  Our marriage is not perfect.  We have ups and downs. We are both very flawed people.  Those flaws become even more evident when you commit to someone else. We have fun. We laugh a lot. We enjoy being with each other. We argue. We disagree. We struggle. We have some very real problems. It’s not all flowers and romance. But in the end, he is my real partner in life.

This past year has been a tough one for us.  My illness really put our vows to the test.  Being sick and ill for so long and not knowing what the root cause of it was is very trying on a relationship.  My illness wreaked havoc on everything, my work life, my personal relationships with friends and family, my ability to sing, and my mental health. The despair of depression I had with my illness almost destroyed me which almost destroyed our marriage. I was miserable.  Living with someone who is depressed and ill is hard for anyone, but especially difficult when you’re in a new marriage.  My husband wasn’t a saint during this, but he definitely had saint like characteristics. He did his best to make sure I got what I needed. He grieved with me when I was crying because I’d thrown up another meal, or was in excruciating pain. He had to stand up and take charge when I was too weak from lack of sleep to make a rational decision. He took care of my personal safety when he knew that I lacked focus due to sheer exhaustion.  He endured my moments of anger and despair knowing there was nothing he could do to ease my distress. He never left my side, even when I begged him to. The amount of stress he was under was very evident.  He did his best to hide it when he could, but often he would fail and some times snap back at me out of pure frustration.  This was a horrible ordeal for both of us.  Yes this is what you’re supposed to do when you commit your life for someone, but when it comes to these circumstances sometimes people can’t follow through to what they vowed to do on that big day when you’re all dressed up and have 100 of your closest friends and God witnessing this.  “In sickness and in health. Richer or Poorer. Good times and bad”.  Those of us who have been through a ceremony hear these words, but the weight of them isn’t truly evident until you’re actually faced with the less positive of each of these options.

To my husband, I must say to you. I love you.  With all of my heart, I truly love you. I make mistakes because I’m flawed. I hurt you, but I don’t intend to. I respect you, and think that you are brilliant, even when you do less than brilliant things.  I don’t tell you often enough how much I truly appreciate you. But I do appreciate you. I’m happy that you’re in my life. In many ways you’ve made me a better person because I’m with you.  I love it when you make me laugh. I hate it when you make me cry. I love our time together. But I also love our time apart as well because it makes me appreciate our time together more. I thank you for your constant support and encouragement.  The friends that I have before we were together are your friends too.  They don’t love you just because you’re my husband.  They love you for who you are.  They are happy that you make me happy, but they recognize that you are indeed an individual that is awesome all on your own.  I might be the outgoing one of us, but you sustain it just by being you. And they like that you can hold your own against the tornado force that I am. You were man enough of for me, despite all the perceived feminine things you do…such as picking out the best shoes. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for willingly staying by my side and still wanting to walk with me in this crazy life that we have. God blessed me in so many ways when he gave me you. Thank you for loving me. I tell you this publicly because I want you to know that I’m proud to be with you. I’m accountable for what I say and do in this relationship and marriage.  And because I’m too cheap to buy you a card that won’t ever convey exactly what I feel.

My love for you is eternal.  That means you’re stuck with me for eternity.  Thanks for being cool with that.  I love you forever.

Your Wife,

Vivian Natasha Rogers Ammon