It was almost a year ago to the day when I last wrote this
blog. Meaning it was the day before the
anniversary of my father’s death. I’m not sure why I seem to pick the saddest
time to choose to write this blog and reflect about what’s going on in my
life. I suppose depression has something
to do with it.
As Thanksgiving approaches, the holiday blues start to creep
in. Last year marked 30 years that my
father passed away. And I thought that was particularly tough. I had no idea that this year would be even
more difficult. This year was a tough one in general, but this November things
have been even harder to cope with.
Earlier in the month a friend of mine passed away. He wasn’t even 40
yet. He was taken away from this life so soon. Death in itself is already hard
to deal with, but when such a beautiful spirit is taken so early in their life
it awakens an additional set of emotions in those left behind. This is the
second person this year in my circle of friends who passed way so very young. It’s
really wreaking havoc on my emotions.
In addition to my friend’s untimely death, someone very
close to me is suffering a life threatening illness. And although they are
taking measures to fight this illness and they have an amazing attitude about
it, it still rocks me to the core that they are going through this. I want to
do something to make this who situation better, to fix it. But it’s not within
my power to fix it. I feel helpless. All I can do is offer good thoughts and my
constant prayers. They’ve recently been
such of source of strength and support that I never expected. It was nice to
have someone say that they are on your side when you’re suffering. Offering
encouraging words when they know you are hurting. Constantly reminding you that
they think you’re smart and capable when you feel stupid and useless. It means
the world to me when they like something on my Facebook, or comment on it. They are giving me the constant reminder that
they are there for me, no matter what. So now they’re going through their
situation, all you can do is send them texts to check on them. Or send them a
message that I’ll be there if they need me, even if I don’t know what to do.
And remind them that I am praying for them...it doesn’t feel like enough. And
as the anniversary of my father’s death approaches, this helpless and sad
feeling seem to be magnified. I just want to fix it. I can’t. I want to do
whatever I can to make them happy and encourage them the way they’ve encouraged
me. But I feel like everything that I do falls short.
A little while ago, someone else who I was very close to,
who I considered a good and close friend said something to me that was so
hurtful. And since they haven’t spoken to me since, I’m under the impression we
are no longer friends. I had just returned from vacation and I had a
particularly rough couple of days upon my return home. I checked in with this
person because I hadn’t been able to contact them as soon as I got home, due to
some electronic difficulties. An incident that happened while I was in the
process of contacting them bled into my tone of my communication. They picked
up on my somber tone. When they asked me what was up, I told them about the
incident. Their reaction to my comment about the incident seemed less than
friendly. And then they accused me of only contacting them to complain or to
vent to. They prefaced that statement to say they considered me to be a dear
friend. That hurt. For those who know me really well, they know it takes a lot
for me to reach out when I’m upset. I’m not good at hiding my emotions at all.
But admitting to the fact that I’m upset and actually spelling it out is
difficult for me. I’ve spent the majority of my life listening to my friend’s
problems and trying to be there for them. I’ve always felt like my issues or
woes weren’t really all that important when someone else was hurting. So when
this person basically accused me of being a crappy friend that only complains
and vents, it hurt me. It was just another thing in a string of bad incidences
that just made me feel awful. After that
I felt like nothing I could say could fix that so I didn’t bother reaching out
again after that. That person has never
spoken to me again and it saddens me. Accusing me of being bad friend, or not
caring about their feelings, is a big slap in the face to me. I may not be great at a lot of things, but I
thought being a friend was the one thing I was good at.
It seems this year has really put me through the ringer. One
thing after another seems to have gone wrong. Don’t get me wrong in the grand
scheme of things, my issues aren’t as serious as things others are going
through. But I have to say it’s been truly a struggle for me this year. I’ve spent months watching things at my job
deteriorate and break me down. I had spent a year dealing with a coworker who
at first I thought was just difficult to get along with, but ultimately found
out he was insane. So insane that when he was fired, I was really concerned
that he was going to come back and kill me. I had to be escorted to my car because
other people had the same concern for me. Once he was let go I thought things
might improve, they didn’t. I watched my boss’s manager slowly chip away at my
self-worth and morale, by taking away my technical duties and reducing me to a
secretary. Instead of troubleshooting an email issue or a network connection
problem, which I had done pretty successfully for over a year here, I was told
to order dinner for moves or book a conference room for a meeting. And there
was no explanation for that. For someone who has done technical and desktop support
for 16 years, it was demoralizing and depressing. The only way to get through
it was to just call this my day job and not my career and just keep working
until I could find something else better.
When I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I was diagnosed
with a bleeding nodule on my vocal cord due to acid reflux. I was instructed by
a doctor to immediately stop singing, go to speech therapy, go on a very
restrictive diet and make a bunch of lifestyle changes which turned my life
upside down. The one thing that I do, that made me happy, that made me feel
like I was truly something, that I was good at, I was told I couldn’t do. Singing
was my life and my emotional release. There was a strong possibility I might
not ever be able to do it again. I can
never truly express how incredibly awful this was for me. I stopped leaving my
house for anything except work, doctor’s appointment and errands. It was hard.
I was broken. My husband was the one who got me through that. He dragged me out
of the apartment. He did whatever he could to keep my spirits up. He encouraged me to take burlesque class so I
could figure out ways to perform while my voice was in recovery. In many ways
he saved my life. Eventually I recovered enough to return to the stage and for
that I’m truly grateful.
So when I thought I was getting things back on track with my
life, I took another blow in the office.
I overheard a coworker say a bunch of things about me that was so awful.
She trashed my body, she said I was too fat to do burlesque, she said that no
one would ever want to see someone so fat on a stage. She said that I only
dress in the retro clothes because I couldn’t fit into regular clothes because
I was so big. She said all this in the
restroom and I happen to be in the stall when she said it, she didn’t know I
was there. To say that I was hurt and
angry would have been an understatement. I didn’t confront her right then and
there. I let her and the person she was chatting with leave and I stayed behind
to collect myself. At some point I walked to my car and cried. I took a few hours
to calm down and eventually I took action. I typed a letter, that I didn’t
sign, explaining that I had heard everything she said. I mentioned that I thought
it was interesting that that I was the topic of her discussion. And I was sorry
that she was offended by my body type. I further explained that there was a
large group of people that would disagree with her statement about my body and
the burlesque stage. I finished up by cautioning her against making statements
like that in such a public place, because you never know when someone could have
a recording device and could take that information to HR. I left the typed note
on her keyboard. She never looked me in the eye again. She never apologized.
She was eventually fired for what I don’t know. It was the first time I handled
something like that so calmly and gracefully. Hearing someone say something so
awful about you is horrible, but at least I put her in a place without stooping
to her level. It was one of worse and finest moments at the same time. Clearly the quality of people I work with is
seriously lacking.
Despite all this awful stuff, there have been some shining
moments for me. My pinup pictures have been published in a magazine twice. One of those photographs was published in a
book of pinups. I got to shoot with some amazing photographers this year. I’m
Miss January in the Black Pinups calendar for 2016. Next year I will have my
first cover published. I did recover
from my vocal injury. I was able to go back to singing and performing. My
performances since then have been more polished and I have a new sense of
confidence and joy that is now more evident in my performances. I’ve been
exposed to a larger community of burlesque performers that have been super
encouraging and inspiring. I already knew that I had amazing husband. But when
he stepped up and started creating, embellishing and designing my costumes my
love and respect for him magnified exponentially. Never in my life has someone
do so many amazing things for me, just because they loved me and believed in me
when I didn’t believe in myself. His love is what gets me through some of the
toughest times. Having someone like that
on your team makes a world of difference. The thing that was the most
surprising was the positive thing that happened next. When I publicly reached
out on the Internet to say how bad I was hurting, I was surprised by the amount
of support I got from people that were in my life. You make Facebook friends
and you consider them acquaintances, but you pretty much don’t expect them to
be “real friends”. But I was pleasantly
surprised when people wrote me and said so many encouraging things, and the
nicest things and made me feel like I mattered to them. I didn’t know how much
I affected other people until all of this happened. I’m so grateful for that
encouragement. I’m thankful for the love that was bestowed on me in my time of
need.
I end this blog on a positive note despite all the raw
negativity and angst I’ve written. I wrote this blog for several reasons. One,
I thought by writing out my feelings I would get some relief from the pain I’ve
been experiencing. I did accomplish that. The second reason is I felt the need
to explain why I’m not always smiling despite all the wonderful things going on
around me. I’m too honest for my own
good, and I know that. But that’s the only way I know how to be. The third reason is to encourage someone else
who suffers from sadness and depression and to let them know they are not
alone. Finally to thank those who read
this long drawn out diatribe for their encouragement and to let them know how
much I appreciated it. My final thought
is to encourage you to continue to give love and support to those around
you. You never know how much you can
inspire someone or even help them just by smiling at them and saying “I’m so
glad I know you”.
