Welcome to 40, The Water Is Just Right

Today’s Fashion Attire:  Black cotton dress with stud detail around the neck and the waist (White House Black Market $50) black leather heels (Rockport Outlet $29) silver hoop earrings (H&M  $2.90)

Outfit Justification:  This is my final week of my 30’s, I’ve opted to wear as many of my flattering black dresses as I can fit into this week.  I’m going into my fabulous 40’s like a true fashionista, rocking an LBD (Little Black Dress).

Welcome to 40, The Water Is Just Right:

After a year about me moaning and complaining, this week has finally come the end of the third decade of my life.  I have gone through all the stages of grieving with turning 40….and I’ve finally come to the acceptance stage.  In my final week, I’m calm and content about it.  

I’m going into this new decade armed with a bunch of good things.  First, there’s my healthy and stable romantic relationship, second, a few really good friends who have really stood by me, third, skills that set me apart from other people that will only grow to improve in my 40’s, finally self knowledge and confidence that can only come with maturity.   Will all of these things working in my favor, I don’t have to focus on the things that I don’t have because it doesn’t matter. The beauty is that I’m still alive and can still continue the pursuit of those things.

40 represents a new era of things to come. I believe my future is bright.  And I get to start this decade off with one helluva party.  I’m really looking forward to spending a wonderful evening with my loved ones and celebrating me, the way I love to celebrate: by wearing a fabulous outfit, singing my heart out and enjoying music.  I also look forward to being carded and getting the response “You’re 40, you look like you’re in your 20’s”.

Farewell 30’s, it’s been real and interesting.  My blue streaks and I are ready to enter all the fabulousness of 40.  And it will be done with true style!

Countdown to 40

Today's Attire:  Royal blue cotton hoodie (Gap Outlet $29) over a grey Smurfs 2 t-shirt (purchased from work) over black fitness pants (New York & Co $15) with black Addidas sneakers (Lady Footlocker $68) Black Hard Rock San Francisco baseball cap (Hard Rock Cafe San Francisco $35)

Outfit Justification:  I'm totally sore from a Zumba and ab workout.  I went totally casual because frankly when you're this sore, you're lucky you're able to even put clothes on.  And since I don't feel like being arrested for indecent exposure, I opted for this.

Countdown to 40:

This is a blog that I've been trying to write for months. I've tried to attack it from a couple of different perspectives.  I've looked at it from a reflective point of view. I've looked at it from a negative point of view.  I've looked at the pro's and con's of my life point of view. But ultimately I could never really bring myself to publish it. Whatever I wrote never seemed to really convey my true thoughts and feelings about turning 40.   And then today I was responding to an email to my friend Natalie. And the below paragraph summed up my feelings the best:

Today is exactly a month till my birthday. I'm really trying to make the most of these last 30 days. And do what I can to really get myself in a condition that I'm happy with. Meaning, I want to be feeling good in my body.  I'm seeing the shrink, and that will help with the mental part. But I have to do the rest of it too, the physical activity, the healthy diet. It's hard. But I have to keep working at it. Even after the big birthday.  I need to start focusing on how I want to feel and then start feeling it. I know this isn't going to change overnight. I can't get the weight off as quickly as I have done in the past. I'm older, I'm working against a thyroid condition.  I've chosen a weight loss method that is slow (Weight Watchers) in an effort to keep the weight off long term.  These are things that I have to accept.  But I have to still continue on.  I want people to see me as a gorgeous, hot, fabulous, smart, fun and an accomplished 40 year old. That's going to be a work in progress. As I write this, I feel like I need to turn this paragraph into a blog.  This is me trying to make positive changes. It's going to be a slow process, but at least I'm doing something.

The title of my story should be:  Doing Something: The Vivian Rogers Story

I have a month to really enjoy the last of my 30's.  I'll do my best to not dread turning 40.  There will be  times in this month when I might get a little sad about getting older. Some of that is fear of what's ahead of me.  I'm entitled to feel this way.  But I'm going to focus on all the things I'm grateful for in my life:

• I'm married to the most wonderful guy who truly embodies the definition of unconditional love
• I have wonderful friends and family that I love
• I'm blessed with the ability to sing well
• I work at a company that has some amazing perks and sounds good when I talk about it
• I do my best to have fun and do interesting things
• I have the ability to be honest about my life and feelings through writing
• I have a creative mind that has managed to take places I never thought I'd go in life

My hope is that age 40 will be my best year yet.  My action item is to continue doing something to make it even more fabulous. Starting off with a fantastic birthday party!

Confidence: The Ultimate Battle

Today’s Attire:  Today I’m wearing a royal blue cardigan (Macy’s $35) over a royal blue tank (Gap outlet $4) with black slacks (Banana Republic $39) with black basic heels (Rockport Outlet $10). I’ve accessorized with multi-strand faux pearl necklace (Forever 21, $8.80) black sequin headband (accessory store in Santa Barbara $3) and a pearl bracelet with an ivory ribbon (the remnants of my corsage from my friend’s wedding)

Outfit Justification:  This was trying to embrace my inner Jackie O.  I really wanted to look classic and stylish today.  Despite having a late night, I didn’t want to look like I had a late night. I’ve never been able to really swing the classic sweater twinset and pearl look but I thought I’d give it a try.

Confidence: The Ultimate Battle:

I had a conversation with a friend this week.  We caught up on stuff, we talked about serious stuff, and then silly stuff.  We have a lot in common. I mentioned how fabulous this person looks in all on their Facebook pictures and when  I’ve seen them out and about in the past.  And when they exclaimed that had lost their confidence, I could totally relate.   I wanted very much to let this person know that I think they’re stunning and fabulous, every time.  But I felt weird saying that when I feel the same lack of  confidence.

I’ve hit a little bit of a bout with depression recently.  Coming up on this milestone birthday has really done a number on my self-esteem and as a result my confidence has taken a major hit.  My life isn’t where I wanted or expected it to be at this point.  And I find myself constantly making comparisons to the people in my life and feeling like a loser because I find that I don’t measure up.  It isn’t just turning 40 that bothers me, it’s that I haven’t done everything I thought I would do by the time I turned 40. As a result I feel like a loser.  Don’t worry, I started seeing a shrink this week. 

I’ve recently started to notice my lack of confidence when it came to karaoke and singing in general.  In my head when I sing, I don’t sound as awesome as I expect to.  And if there isn’t really much of a response from the crowd, I start to worry that I’m losing my ability.   What follows are the ugly negative thoughts.   One day a few weeks ago all I heard in my head  was the following: 

“You’re delusional, you can’t sing. “ “You’re a hack, the only reason why people pay attention to you when you sing is because you’re loud” “You don’t belong in a band, because you aren’t that good” “No one wants to see a fat, ugly, old girl sing rock” “You’re looking ridiculous and you’re making a fool of yourself” and finally “You’re not a real singer, karaoke doesn’t count, go back to singing in your car where no one can hear you.” 

 It’s hard because I  was beginning to feel like I had bought into my hype.  It had gotten so bad that a few weeks ago I was at karaoke there were a bunch of people who sing professionally: opera, musical theater, and etc.  When I went to the bar to close out my tab, this girl said to me  “you’re really good, are you a singer?”  I was so sad and defeated  I looked at the girl and said “No. I’m not a singer” and then I pointed at one of the professional crowd that was singing then said “That’s a singer, not me.”  I left after that.

Recently I find that I’m intimidated by people who are super strong singers and see all the typical stuff.  And it’s because I’ve lost my confidence for whatever reason.  I feel like I don’t measure up.  I left karaoke last Thursday feeling like crap, when I heard some girl sing Lady Marmalade and kill it like I can’t.  My pride was hurt for some reason.  It’s not “my song” it’s a song that I’ve done well in the past, and I felt like someone had just handed me my hat.  Now when people come up to me, I cringe because I’m anticipating them saying something mean to me, like the stuff that I hear in my head.  It’s weird.

So when talking to my friend, I was telling them how awesome I think they are. As I said so, I felt like a huge hypocrite because I never believe it when someone says that to me. Why do we do this to ourselves?  It’s easier to believe the bad stuff, I know.  But losing confidence and faith in yourself and your abilities is a tough thing to overcome.  I struggle with it every day. 

I changed my cover picture on Facebook this afternoon to a headshot of me that makes me look like a badass. But the truth of the matter is in that picture I was probably the most miserable I had ever been the day that picture was taken. Because the night before, a personal tragedy had happened, and I still went through with the shoot because it was too late to cancel.  If you look in my eyes, you can still see the pain I was in.  But I did my best to put up the brave front and summon up the badass I thought I was on stage.  In the days after I saw these pictures, I thought, I look sad and pathetic.  I’m working with my shrink on changing my perspective in hopes that I can get myself out of this depression.  So my first exercise in this is to address the negative feelings about this picture.  I don’t look sad or pathetic in this picture. The girl in that picture is a badass.  This girl went through an early morning photo shoot the morning after her husband of 4 years walked out on her.  Despite her pain and sadness this girl picked herself up and went on with her life and took the steps to pursue her dream of being a singer.  That’s a brave thing to do. That shows strength.  Frankly that embodies what a badass is.  That girl had confidence in her ability to keep going.   So my next assignment is to remember this and draw from the confidence of that girl in the picture.   That confidence will keep me moving forward.  I am that badass in the picture.  I just need to keep remembering that’s who I am.

My Week In Style

 This Week’s Attire:  I’m changing the format of today’s blog slightly.  Normally it would be today’s attire, but I’m still in bed and that attire isn’t very interesting.  However I wore some interesting outfits this week and didn’t have the chance to blog about them, so I going to mention them now:

Monday: Red jersey tank top with silver stud detail (White House Black Market Outlet $28) over black cropped pants (Ross, $13) Black ¾ sleeve one button blazer (Torrid $40) paired with black stilettos with silver heel (White House Black Market Outlet $20)

Monday Evening appearance: Black Annalise dress with pink elephant martini detail on the lapel and the waist (Pinup Girl Clothing $90), royal blue crinoline (Unique Vintage $40) black flat Mary Janes (Payless $15)

Tuesday:  Red leopard print dress with sweetheart neckline and flowy skirt (White House Black Market $60), black blazer with ¾ length sleeves (Torrid $40) black flat Mary Janes (Payless $15)

Tuesday Evening:  One shouldered gold satin dress with olive green crochet overlay (Macy’s $85)  gold rounded toe glitter sparkly flats (Payless $8) accessorizes with green flower fascinator with peacock feather detail (made by my friend’s Carolina’s mother)

Wednesday: A ribbed cream scoop neck tee (Banana Republic $8) under a charcoal grey pinstripe 3 button vest (Gap $23) with dark wash boot cut with heavy white stitching jeans (Ross $16) with black leather stud clog slides (Rapport Outlet $19)

Thursday: Black jersey scoop neck tee (Banana Republic $4) black a-line skirt with white and silver rose print (White House Black Market $38) silver mock croc ballet flats (Payless $12)

Thursday Evening: Leopard print velour halter top (Pinup Girl Clothing Yard Sale $5) paired with black patent leather flat Mary Janes (Payless $15)

Friday: Grey with black polka dot ¾ length sleeve peplum blouse (White House Black Market $35) black cropped pants (Ross $13) grey cotton ballet flat with bow detail (Payless $14)

Friday Evening: Luscious Dress in Navy with red  Octavio the Octopus detail on the shoulder (Pinup Girl Clothing $65) paired with a wide red belt (Ann Taylor Loft Outlet $12) and silver mock crock ballet flats (Payless $12)

My Week In Style:

All of these outfits were my attempt to dress well and feel good about myself.  I read a book that inspired me and wanted to apply the lessons that I learned from this book.  The book is called The Truth About Style by Stacy London (The stylist from TLC’s What Not To Wear). I highly suggest reading this book to deal with style and some life challenges.  It really helped me. I already had a love of clothes and fashion, but really making an effort with my personal style has motivated me in a positive way.  I feel like I have a little more pep in my step. And I'm trying to reward for myself for the the things that I've made progress on, and not punish myself for every little failure. I'm taking the effort to dress for a path that I want, in hopes that opens the doors to better opportunities for me in the future.  That's within my control. And things that are beyond my control, I'm letting go of, and working hard to get past those things. I might be low man on the totem pole at work, and I'm not the rock star that I want to be, but I can dress like I've got some authority in the office and have the ability to hit the red carpet.  And that's what being a budget fashionista rock star is all about. 

My Struggle With Weight and Body Image

Today's Attire: Black sleeveless dress with white polka dots (Macy's $42), black knee length boots (Torrid $55)

Outfit Justification: I was in so much pain from a spin class yesterday anything on my body would have hurt. I found the easiest thing I could find.

 My Struggle With Weight and Body Image:

At this very moment, I'm sitting in my bedroom behind a locked door in the dark. I’m in the lowest spirits I’ve been in a long time. Even as I attempt to write this, I have to stop to clear away tears.  But I feel compelled to write because I hope in some way it will help.
I’ve been dealing with my struggle with weight for years. Some days I’m fine and I can deal. And then there are days like today where I all I want to do is hide from the world because I feel so horrible and ugly and fat. I can’t even tell you how much self loathing and disdain I have for myself at this moment. 

Since January I’ve really tried to follow a healthy eating plan, add some physical activity to my life and forgo drinking so I can slim down and be a healthy weight by the time my 40^th birthday rolled around.  It’s been almost 3 months and the weight loss progress has been so slow it’s maddening. And even though I’m fighting thyroid disease and taking medication and I know it’s working against me in so many ways, I still try to push forward in hopes that the weight will come off. It was coming off at a steady rate leading up to my trip to Chicago. I didn’t make my own personal goal of trying to get under 200 pounds before I left for the trip and that was disheartening. Since I’ve returned the scale keeps going up.

This week has proved difficult. I had a rough week at work last week, but I still did my best to workout and do the best that I could with eating. I even took a spin class that I was in no condition to take because I’m so heavy.  My body hurts so much for 50 minutes of pure torture.  This morning when I stepped on the scale because it was my weigh in day, and it read 208.1 and all I could do was sob.  I was 3.1 pounds up from last week. 7 pounds heavier than I was less than 3 weeks ago.   I feel like a humongous failure. This probably sounds awful and vain and not a big deal to someone who isn’t me, but this hurt my spirit.  I feel like no matter what I do, I’m always going to be fat. 

That’s just the physical part of it all. Here’s the mental part.  When it comes to me and my friends, I’m the fat girl. In 9 times out of 10, I’m the heaviest of all the women in my group of friends. I know they don’t see me that way, but I see me that way. Even when I’m working out and happen to look around me, I’m that fat girl at the gym. Yes I’m trying to do something about it, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m the heavy one.   It’s the one thing I notice when I’m out and about.  In my head all I keep hearing is “your friends are so attractive and slim, and you’re the fat one” Maybe its because I grew up in Southern California that I see myself this way, but I’m the big girl.  Even in yesterday’s class I noticed that I was the fat girl who was having problems sitting on that seat because I’m so heavy.  I feel like everyone is judging me because I’m that person.  The rational side of me says that no one is really thinking that, they’re only focused on themselves, but I’m so self conscious I feel like the world is staring at the fat chick in the class. I’m the one struggling to keep up because I’m so heavy and unathletic. 

I do my best to not behave like that woe as me I’m fat girl.  I try to make up for being big by wearing something stylish. Being the outgoing personality.  But I’m so angry at myself for being so heavy.  Although I post a bunch of pictures of myself on Facebook to document all the things I do and who I’m with and what clothes I’m wearing, I wince every time I see a picture of myself.  In every picture I see all I see is how big I am.  I was with my in-laws on Easter and my husband was showing them pictures from my friend’s wedding and our trip to Chicago. And all I could think was, I thought I looked good that day and in all these pictures I look huge. Despite wearing a black dress and wearing my favorite color, in my hair, in my shoes, all I saw was how much larger I looked compared to all my good friends. It was heartbreaking. 

Today I was doing my best to get through work and not just fall apart. I was tired, and hurting. Walking, sitting and breathing was difficult because of the pain. All I felt was the shame of all the weight I gained. I felt awful.  I know it’s in my head. Yes I’ve discussed this with a therapist in the past. But I have to say that I feel terrible that I do this to myself. I hate looking in the mirror everyday. I don’t feel attractive. Even though my husband tells me every day that he thinks that I am. I struggle with hearing the compliment. I’ve never truly felt like I was attractive.  Even when I was smaller, I never felt it.  And I hate that I struggle with this. 

Right now all I want to do is give up, because it’s so hard. But I know that I will try again tomorrow and struggle some more.  And this war in my head will continue and I’ll try to overcome it. But at this moment in time, my heart is so heavy, and so is the rest of me.  I wonder if I will ever get past this.  I know there are people who have bigger and more important problems than this. And I feel stupid for even having this problem, but that’s how I feel.

Almost 40, Not Yet Fabulous

Today's Fashion Attire: Today I'm wearing a white men's dress shirt (Consolation prize from an old relationship) over a white ribbed tank top (Old Navy $8), dark wash boot cut jeans (Gap Outlet $28), leopard print  Anne Klein flats (DSW $29).

Outfit Justification: I threw this on because it was inspired by a picture I saw on Facebook yesterday.  I didn't copy it exactly because I got dressed in 5 minutes. And just as I was walking out the door I saw that my husband was wearing the same outfit. Great, we're now the couple who dresses alike.  

Almost 40, Not Yet Fabulous:

As I'm in the final 3 months of my 30's, I'm doing a lot of reflecting on the past decade. The countdown to 40 is on.  And for those of you who have passed this milestone, you say it's no big deal. Well, I'm here to tell you with every decade that passes it's a big deal to me. And I'm having a tough time with it. I'm not writing this to ask for advice. Although positive comments are always welcome. I write this to explain my feelings about this and why I'm having a tough time.

When I approached 30, I was really excited. My perspective about people in their 30's were that people took them seriously. People in the 30's had a true sense of themselves and had finally grown into their own. At the time I wasn't married, but I was on the road to being engaged. I was looking forward to settling into a career. Settling into a family life of some sort. I had all the plans and goals for myself. The decade of 30 is when when I was going to fulfill a lot of those. I was full of hope. In my 30's I was still young, but able to dream about the future. 

Well the past decade has given me the roller coaster of my life.  There have been high's and lows like you wouldn't believe. So many things have happened that threw me for a loop. I'm not saying that my life hasn't been any different than anyone one else. Everyone goes through ups and downs.  But mine felt pretty extreme since the previous decades hadn't been so eventful.  In the past 9 years the following has happened: got married, traveled to places I had never been before like Hawaii, Chicago and New Orleans, went through multiple surgeries, sang lead for a rock band, got divorced, was diagnosed with depression, gained a bunch of weight, lost a bunch of weight, discovered fashion, wrote a blog about fashion,  hit rock bottom, recovered from hitting rock bottom, quit a job that I thought I would grow old and retire from, got my name in the ending credits of a major movie, helped several other people get married, auditioned for a reality show, had a brief appearance on a reality show, suffered a mysterious illness for almost 7 months, offered a job in another country, closed doors on friendships and relationships, bought 2 vehicles,  Got blue hair, got a tattoo, discovered a bar that was my version of Cheers that introduced me to a bunch of amazing people, gained a bunch of lifelong friends, met a person that showed me the true meaning of unconditional love and married him. It was a busy 9 years. 

Now as I'm about to turn 40, I look at my life, and it's not how I pictured. I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in in my life with the most amazing husband. It's not the person I thought I would be with, but I'm happier than I've ever been with anyone I've dated. I don't have children, and the urge to have them never really came, like everyone told me that it would. I really thought I would be farther along in my career than I am. I'm not passionate about what I do. I thought my desire to have a music career would die down as I got older and tired, but it hasn't. I still want to be rock singer fronting a band.  And the pursuit of it is maddening. I sometimes feel so stupid for wanting this life, because it's so unrealistic. But I still yearn for it, and people keep encouraging me.  I thought I would have left the country by by now, but I haven't. I still don't have a passport. Something financial or stupid gets in the way of me getting one. But this will get done eventually. I never thought I would be this overweight going into my 4th decade of my life. I am actively doing something about it, but I never thought I would be this fat and heavy.  I don't own a house/condo or property, and I'm not even close to having something like that. In my head, I felt I would just be farther along in everything and I feel like I'm behind for some reason.

I'm not saying my life is awful. It's not.  And even though I'm 39 and 3/4, I still look 25, and that's fantastic.  I have a bunch of amazing people in my life that make me happy. I am employed at a cool place.  I do fun things on a regular basis. I have blue hair and it makes me happy. My husband and I have a good time in our life. Things aren't perfect, but they're pretty darn good. The approach to 40 has made me worry that I'm not enough, or I don't measure up in some way. And all that hope I had going into my 30's feels like it's kinda lost in my 40's, because the phrase "You're too old to be doing this, or that" might be uttered. I fear that a lot of opportunity doors will close for me as I enter the 40's club. I'm not saying it's a rational fear, but it's a real fear that I have. And I struggle with this.  So there it is.  I'm afraid that the fun ends at 40. 

However, even though I'm struggling with turning 40, that's not keeping me from going out with a bang...there's going to be a party. And it will be fabulous. And there's a tiny hope for me that I will be fabulous at 40.

No One Said Enlightenment Was Easy

Today’s Attire: I’m wearing a dress I haven’t worn in probably 3 years.  Blue print cotton knee length wrap dress (Banana Republic $48), white with silver detail sandals (White House Black Market Outlet $28).

 Outfit Justification: There are three reasons why I’m wearing this dress.  I was supposed to conduct an interview that was canceled and thought I would look as presentable as I could for that. Second, I’m going to the doctor this afternoon and needed something that would be light on the scale when I step on it. Third, I was finally able to get into the damn thing.

 No One Said Enlightenment Was Easy:

I’m not a “new agey” type of person.   But I can appreciate certain aspects of new age beliefs and philosophies.  I have people in my life who believe very strongly in this.  And I love them for it.  I was born and raised in a religious background, I’m Christian, and that’s where my beliefs are. I guess if I have to put a label on me, I could say that I’m spiritual.  But I like to state that I have an open mind. I truly believe that not everything works for everyone.  You have to try a few things.  Sometimes you have to get away from what you know in effort to gain some insight in this life.  I guess I was looking for something new insight in my life.

 Last night I went to a book signing at a new age type bookstore in Venice. My friend who I haven’t seen in 3 years was doing a workshop and book signing.   She sent me a message that she was going to be in town and wanted to invite me to the signing.  This isn’t normally my type of thing.  But something in me said that I needed to make an effort attend.  I told my buddy Natalie that I was going to this, and asked if she was interested in going with me.  She agreed.  I’ve never been to a book signing before, so I didn’t really know what to expect.  Natalie hadn’t been to one either.  I guess I completely missed the part about the workshop.  I was just happy for the opportunity to see my friend again.  I had a copy of her book and I get her weekly inspirational emails, but it’s been awhile since we spoke.  And I thought it would be nice to see her in this setting.

 So leading up to the event, I was in a foul mood.  I had very low energy and was in very low spirits.  When I went to talk to Natalie I said to her, “Oh good, you’re wearing something new agey”. Referring to her turquoise necklace.  She laughed. And then sent an email saying how it was funny that we were going to this, when we really aren’t new age, yogi, philosophical types.  But we were both eager to go to this.   And I’m glad we did.

 When we arrived at the bookstore we were greeted very warmly by my friend, I remembered why I was so eager to see her again.  Her smile always put me at ease even in the most uncomfortable situations.  The funny thing was I was super uncomfortable at this signing.  It was fear of the unknown I guess.  Most of that fell away as the evening proceeded on.  Other people started to arrive and Natalie and I found our seats on a nice cozy loveseat in the corner.  One of the ladies offered us a sound bath.  I accepted her offer despite not knowing what it was.  And I was hoping my face didn’t reflect my thoughts. Because all I had going through my head was “What the hell is a sound bath?”  She then took a metal bowl and some sort of stick and tapped the bowl lightly and rotated the stick around the bowl as it vibrated and made a lovely sound.  She rotated the bowl and stick around my body. Still not understanding what was going on, I just tried to relax and stay in tuned with the sound. Which totally relaxed me.   I watched her repeat the process with Natalie agreed to get a sound bath.  And I kept thinking afterwards, I don’t know what that was, but it was nice. 

 Without going into a bunch of specifics, I learned a lot during this workshop. It was interesting to hear my friend talk about her book and how it came to be. Then going through some of the exercises she suggested for different situations.  A lot of breathing, and listening and quieting outside sounds to try and be in tune with what you need or want.  There was mention of techniques used for coping with things.  I felt enlightened afterwards.   I don’t have any special powers now that I’ve gone to this workshop. I did come out better than I did when I left.  And I think that counts for a lot.  I do plan on trying to use these exercises I learned in the future.  But it’s baby steps.  I tried this morning, but nothing seems to really be effective as it was last night.   But you have to keep trying.  No one said enlightenment was easy.

Here’s a link to my friend’s book: http://www.mikaelajones.com/the-little-book-of-light/ It’s definitely worth looking into because it’s very inspirational.

Being a Copy Cat Isn’t Always a Bad Thing:

Today’s Fashion Attire:  

Today I’m wearing a white “wife beater” style tank top (Old Navy $5) paired with a black knit cardigan with asymmetrical hem and lace detail on the shoulders (White House Black Market $38), a beige cotton single breasted trench (Gap Outlet $12), medium wash denim premium skinny jeans (Gap Outlet $35), knee high taupe microfiber/suede boots (Torrid $48). I added a zebra print ruffled scarf (White House Black Market $14) and black and silver bead bracelet (White House Black Market $12).

Outfit Justification:  

This is me duplicating another outfit from the Dresses page on Facebook. I realized I had the most of the pieces, or similar ones.  And although I wanted to be festive and wear something in Mardi Gras colors, I opted to copy this outfit. It's easier using a guildeline.

Being a Copy Cat Isn’t Always a Bad Thing:

This blog is going to be a short one.  I don’t have anything profound to say today. Last week’s blog on Outfit Inspiration has already addressed.  I just wanted to show off my efforts of duplicating another one of these outfits.  The beauty of having such a large wardrobe is every now and then you can duplicate something you see.  It’s kinda of like shopping your own closet.  Me documenting that I did this, might help me for future reference when I need to pick an outfit.  I look reasonably cute and presentable.  I can’t always say that. 

Creep: The Vivian Rogers Chronicle

Today’s Attire: Today I’m sporting my cold winter’s worse, a long sleeve lime green(chartreuse) crew neck tee (TJ Maxx $13) under a thick a midnight blue and white checked flannel (stolen from an ex because it looked much better on me than it did on him), black cotton leggings with zipper detail on the ankle (Banana Republic $17) paired with knee high black leather boots (Torrid $45).

Outfit Justification:  I woke up cold.  And I didn’t feel like wearing one of my blah oversized sweaters, and I clearly lacked much imagination.  I put this big flannel over this loud tee, to calm it down a little.  No, this isn’t one of my best outfits, but frankly I’m warm and that’s all that counts at the moment.  I usually spend half my day walking in and out of a server room.  I’m allowed to look like I’m kicking it with my 90’s grunge friends from Seattle.

Creep:  The Vivian Rogers Chronicle

This past Friday night, I was given the opportunity to perform again with Lounge-O-Rama at Britannia Pub in Santa Monica. I was asked to sing a song that I’ve been singing at karaoke for about 6 months, Creep by Radiohead.  I’ve never had the opportunity to sing it with a live band.  Scratch that, I did sing it once at a rehearsal with a project that I worked on.  But I have never performed it live with a band until this past Friday night. 

This has been one of my new favorite songs to sing because of the good reaction I get when I sing it. The funniest thing about it is that I’ve hated this song for about 5 years because of karaoke.   I’d heard so many people sing this song poorly and it was so overdone that I walked out of the bar every time someone sang it. It didn’t matter how good it might sound, I just hated hearing it.  My best friend David also had the same reaction to it.  Whenever we were in a car together and the original would come on the radio we each raced to change the channel.  A while back I was auditioning for a band and that was one of the songs that I had to prepare for the audition.  So I decided to give this song a practice at karaoke to see if I could stomach singing it.  And the weirdest thing was that I did my own take on it and it was good.  The audition fell through, I forgot about the song and left it alone after that. 

One afternoon when I was preparing to audition for The Voice, I was watching an episode of it.  It was one of the battle rounds. And Adam Levine of Maroon 5 had chosen this song for two people who felt it was completely out of their range.  I saw them do it, and then remembered I had done it once.   As I listened to these two people perform, I thought to myself “I can do better than that”.  A short time after the audition, I did just that.  Everyone flipped.  In my mind, I said, I’ll file that one away for when I need it.

As mentioned before, last year was a tough year for me. I was an emotional wreck for months because I was ill and didn’t know the cause. Then after all my health issues, I was really struggling with my voice.  A lot of damage had been done to my singing voice during the time I was sick.  I was struggling to do the one thing that I love so much and I was beginning to think that I might I have to abandon the singing thing because I just didn’t sound that good any more.   I had a performance that felt less than stellar about.  Plus a series of bad nights when I went to karaoke. Needless to say I felt lost.

Then I did the one thing I do when I hit some of the lowest points in my life. I look at the lyrics of song and really try to understand how they apply to me.  Doing this sometimes gives me a new purpose and perspective.  In the darkest years it was Sober and Who Knew by Pink. Around the anniversary of my father’s death, I started thinking about the lyrics to Creep and really wondered if they applied to me. Before I would just sing the song with no real thought to what I was singing.  But this particular day I thought about it.

The Song Breakdown as Applied to Me:

The main theme: “I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo” this is me, this is how I feel.  Here I am this girl, singing a dude’s song, in his range in the beginning.  That makes me kind of a weirdo.  Many people think I have I have a lot of attitude and think that I’m a bitch.   That makes me a creep.   

In the first verse “Couldn’t look you in the eye. You’re just like an angel.” refers to me being intimidated by really good singers and my lack of faith in my owning singing ability. In my mind I have a tendency to deify them.  “I wish I was special” This refers to my being envious of those people with those typical fantastic vocals.

In the second verse I take the song up an octave when it mentions “don’t care if it hurts”.  Singing in that upper range is completely out of my comfort zone.  A lot of the vocal damage was evident up there. Pushing through to my upper notes hurt sometimes, physically and emotionally. “I want to have control. I want a perfect body. I want a perfect soul.” These are the most meaningful lyrics that hit home in this song for me.  It’s no secret that I struggle with my weight.   Wanting the perfect body is something that sometimes paralyzes me because I’m so far from it.  And I beat myself up mentally for lacking the control for letting my body get to the point where it is.  Although I want to achieve a place where I’m not punishing myself for being fat, and can accept me as I am, I’m not there yet.  If I ever got to a point where I accepted my body as is, that would be the equivalent of having a perfect soul.   It’s the mind body balance.

The bridge of the song “She’s running out the door”.  This has been my response to most awful things in my life, I’ve run.  A major character flaw of mine is the need to bolt when a situation has gotten tough.  I warned my husband when we first started dating, that I have had my share of trust and commitment issues and that plagues me.  If I can’t deal, I quit. That was my old philosophy.

In the final verse of the song “Whatever makes you happy. Whatever you want” there are so many of my emotional issues that are tied to trying to please other people.  And in trying to please so many people, I have failed.  But I mostly failed myself because it wasn’t whatever made ME happy.  And I was still struggling to be special and ultimately felt like “I don’t belong here”.

To sum this up, this song brings to light so many of my emotional issues.  Once I decided this was my go to song to sing, I put so much passion behind it became a therapy session every time I sang it.  This is my song.