I've Won A Burlesque Title...Now What?

October 3, 2016

It's been a long while since I wrote a blog. So much has happened in almost the year since I wrote my last one.  I guess writing this thing is cheaper than going to a therapist.  Which I probably need to see one soon.

The past few weeks I've been having weird anxiety.  Some really great stuff has happened in the last few months, but I'm somehow feeling completely uneasy about it. I guess it started with the Burlypicks regionals competition at the end of July.  The main reason I applied to Burlypicks this year is because I didn't get in last year.  Everything happens for a reason, even if I had gotten in, I would not have been able to compete because of the vocal cord damage I had due to acid reflux.  Now it was a year later and I was trying to get in. Not because I expected to win, but because I wanted to participate. I wanted to be on the same stage with all these performers I admire tremendously.  Well I got in.  That alone should have just made me happy. But now I had to make sure I proved that I belonged there.  That meant I had to give a good performance.  The pressure started build once I got in.

So I spent a month of getting ready, making sure everything was in competition ready condition. I didn't even know what the hell that meant. I was making preparations. The day before the competition, things changed very suddenly with my day job and added to my stress.  I was offered a position that wasn't a promotion, wasn't going to give me a raise, that was going to be a lot more work. And they wanted an answer the next day, meaning the day of the competition. I negotiated for more time, which meant I had the weekend to think about it. The day of the competition was a complete mess. I felt like a million emotions all at once and couldn't process any of them. I was sitting at my desk at work in tears from the anxiety. Jeff, my husband, tried to help via g-chat.  But I was losing it.  It was a mix of fear,  of not being ready, to wanting to win, to not wanting to win, to just wanting to be good enough, but not feeling good enough.  It was awful.  My friend and fellow burlesquer calmed me down via text.  I was able to get through the rest of the day without more tears, but the anxiety was still there.

The evening did not go as planned.  Although everyone was very nice backstage, the amount of people was starting to add to my panic.  Then I had to do sound check and there were a million people around. I had some issues during my sound check, and everyone was there to hear it.  It was beyond nerve wrecking.  I got through it some how. Long story short, I won the singing part of the competition.  Everyone else knew I was going to win...except for me.  I thought this would be the end.  But now Jeff was saying we were going to Pittsburgh for the final round.  I wasn't mentally prepared to do this. I didn't expect to win.  I didn't expect to make it this far. I just wanted to perform.  Now I have to prepare for a trip I couldn't afford, to go and lose in another state that I've never been to. There was no way I was ready for this.  But at this point I decided to compete, and now I'm dealing with this consequences. That's how I saw it.

It's a month and a half later, we've booked our flight to Pittsburgh, we made reservations for the hotel. I've reached out to the Burlypicks organizers and confirmed I'm coming to compete. The day before we left I really started to fall apart at the seams. My nerves were getting the best of me.  All my self-doubt was taking over and again the emotional rollercoaster was starting. I had to question why I was doing this.  Why didn't I leave well enough alone and just be satisfied with winning the regionals.  Now I was about to make an ass out of myself on the other side of the US without my friends being there. I wanted to win, but was trying to prep for losing.  This is my first competition, and no one knew who the hell I was.  I couldn't expect to win.  The only thing I could hope for was just a good memorable performance.  Well it was a good performance and I won.  I was both happy and freaked out about the whole thing.

So I came home with a trophy.  And everyone was happy for me. Now I have this award/title thing and I don't know what to do.  People were congratulating me and I thanked them. Then all of a sudden I had the strangest reaction to all this. I became completely weird about it.  I started feel almost embarrassed that I had won. I didn't know how to act.  Then the pressure to be excellent in every show I was in started to build.  I was struggling with the expectations of this.  Now everyone, including Jeff, is now talking about the next festivals or competitions I needed to submit for.  I wasn't ready to even think about it.  I was beginning to think that maybe I would stop here.  Just go out on top with the one competition. But everyone says I have to keep going.  I'm not sure I have the stomach or the stamina to do this.  The pressure to find the next "Cookie Monster" has started to set in.  Now I worry about the steps I'm taking, or which direction to go. I'm completely freaked out about all of it.

I felt like something was wrong with me yesterday. But I couldn't tell what it was.  Then today, this terrible feeling hit me so hard that I couldn't focus or make a decision.  I didn't sleep last night.  I tossed and turned.  And then I had some kind of panic attack that was so overwhelming. I couldn't breathe, my heart was racing, my mind was racing. I felt completely out of control. I was already late for work because I overslept, but now I can't bring myself to make a decision to move forward and get on with my day. I had to call in sick. I spent an hour and a half trying to calm myself down in my apartment all alone.  I finally went to sleep for a bit. But when I woke up I felt worse than I did before I went to sleep.  I've been uneasy all day. I haven't left my apartment, not even for food. I'm a mess and I'm not even sure why.

I thought writing this all down would make me feel better.  But now that it's down in front of me in black and white, I don't feel better. I feel pathetic.  People have much bigger problems and I'm having a nervous breakdown because of what? I was given an award for one act, and now I don't know what to do. That sounds stupid and pathetic. I feel like an idiot. An anxiety ridden idiot.