2016: The Bad and the Good

December 1, 2016

I've heard many people say it, and I've even said it myself, 2016 has been a terrible year. We've almost reached the end of it, and despite a few high points, it's mostly been bad.

The Bad: We've all seen what most feels like an exorbitant amount of celebrity deaths this year.  Maybe there were just more higher profile people dying this year.  For me personally, my family has experienced a lot of death. I lost two very dear people to me to cancer this year. My God sister, who was like a second mother to me, passed on in February. My Mother-in-law who I loved as much as my own mother, lost her life in May. I sang at both funerals. It was so incredibly difficult to have to use my skill/gift as a way to honor them both. Both of the deaths have affected me more than I can truly express. Watching my husband go through the grieving process was beyond heart wrenching. Losing a parent was something I experienced at 11 years old. And even though it's inevitable, watching him lose his mother was more devastating than I could have imagined and I never wanted him to experience that kind of pain. 

This year started out fairly bad. I was super sick New Years Eve. I had to cancel plans that I had to nurse myself back to health. New Years Day, my husband, Jeff, was called into work on emergency early in the morning and was stuck there all day till 3am trying to fix the problem.  Being alone sick in our apartment was difficult. Knowing that he was working on his last day off was sad.  I was still sick the day of our legal wedding anniversary. We were able to get out to go to dinner, but nothing else because I was so sick.  I did my only pinup photo shoot of the year that weekend.  Shooting while sick was a challenge, but I got through it.  I didn't expect it to be the last one for me, but it was. I've gained 20 pounds since January 1st due to stress, poor eating, illness and depression. In the past 3 days I've been beating myself up for letting my weight get out of control. I hate the way I look, and can't bring myself to do another pinup shoot because I feel so fat and ugly. I've been beating myself up all year about it. But these past few days it has been worse.

Things with my job also got worse the early part of the year. I was belittled, disrespected, and made to feel stupid for the first 3 months. They told us we were getting a bonus and I was excited to get the extra money.  But then I found out what my bonus was and how significantly lower it was than my male colleagues, now this good thing felt like a huge slap in the face.  I tried looking for another job, but nobody was interested in me for anything other than an assistant job.  With 17 years of IT experience in a lot of different facets of technology, I could only find a job as an assistant. My self-esteem was shot. I was waiting for the day when I was going to get fired. Strangely enough it didn't happen.

The Good: Things eventually turned around later in the year. I was forced to fill in for someone that was going on medical leave at a different campus. I was in process of trying to figure out if I had to go on leave myself to help with the care of my parents-in-law when I was pushed to the feature campus with very little training. It turned out to be a blessing in disguise, because the same people who were belittling me changed their tune when they saw for themselves that I wasn't an idiot and was solving issues that had been going on for years. Next thing you know they're saying I'm so amazing and that I was doing better than the person who held the role currently. 3 months later she returned from leave and I went back into my old role. Within 2 months of me going back to my old role, I was told that the person I filled in for resigned.  I was asked (actually forced) to accept the role at the feature campus permanently. Now my job role had changed, I was working a lot more, including weekends. When I tried to negotiate some terms with the job change, I was denied everything I asked for.  But even with that, things were better. then a few weeks ago we were hit with massive layoffs because we had been bought. Things were finally better and now there was a serious threat to whether I was going to lose my job.  They confirmed that my job was safe for now about a week or 2 ago, but it's still kind of a mess.

One of the highlights of 2016 is that my burlesque career was on the upswing. I was performing more, in new and different places. As a result I was meeting people in the community that were becoming really true friends. I was getting a lot of good advice, gaining new skills with each show that I performed in.  I got to meet people I've admired for as long as I had been doing burlesque. In April I received my first standing ovation. I was floored.  I didn't believe it. When people were coming up to me after the performance, I was in shock.  And then something weird happened. I decided to start submitting for festivals at the suggestion of someone who was winning a bunch of them. I kept getting rejected to them the first half of the year, which of course didn't help my self-esteem.  But of course my winning friend, kept insisting that I keep trying and that my time was coming. Even though I was still gun shy from not getting into Burlypicks last year, I submitted again. A lot of nail biting went on. And then I got my first acceptance. I was thrilled. But then immediately intimidated, because I didn't feel ready and then went into a blind panic.  My burly family assured me that I was ready. I received so much encouragement that it surprised me. I kept thinking "I'm a nobody. But these people that I respect were giving me encouragement to do this. How is this possible?" But it was happening.  So I kept working. What happened next shocked the hell out of me. I won Masters of Singing for the California Region for Burlypicks.  I was so in shock that Jeff had to post the news on Facebook to announce it. After I received my medal and the show was over, I came into the audience and saw my burly sister who spent the morning calming me down when I freaked out. She had tears in her eyes. All I could do was hug her and cry. I had done it.  I stepped outside of my comfort zone and got some validation in the process.

The last time I saw my mother-in-law alive was Mother's Day. She was in pretty bad shape.  All I wanted to do was make her smile or laugh.  I managed to do that a few times.  I showed her Jeff's creation of my Uhura costume.  She smiled and was truly proud of him. Which leads me to more of the good.  Jeff inherited his creativity and sewing skills from his mother. He didn't take a class, and this is not what he does for a living. But his passion to make me something awesome for my performances was another way for him to bond with his mother.  This year Jeff's creations have been fantastic.  Which has helped me raise the bar on my burlesque game. I now perform a non-singing act with the use of isis wings and LED's. Something I never thought I would do. But Jeff feels like my burlesque career is his too.  He wears the title of  "Lord Sapphire" very proudly.  He feels like he's in the burly community even though he's not a performer. He appreciates the love, support and advice he gets from our burly family.  And it makes me happy when someone asks him to make something for them. He's still exclusively my costume creator, but one day that could change.

I can honestly say that the majority of the good stuff that has happened to me this year has been burlesque related. There are days when it feels like it's saving my life. Especially when my mind goes to the dark places and depression takes over. When the voices in my head say "You suck. You're too fat. No one wants you in their show. No one wants to photograph you on stage. You have no talent. You're not good enough. "  Something will happen to counter the negativity.  I'll get a compliment. I'll have a good show. I'll get some encouragement from someone I don't know very well.  I'll get an invite to be in a show. Someone will tell me that I inspire them. I'll see a picture that doesn't look awful. I'll hear Jeff bragging about something I did. I'll be able to tell a story with an act that means something to me and people will get it and it will touch them...or I'll win a competition.

After Regionals, I thought that was the end. I had no intention of going on to the Finals in Pittsburgh. Then Jeff said, "We won, we're going to Pittsburgh" and I replied with "We can't do that. We can't afford that.  Can't I just stop here?"  And then I had a 3 hour conversation with my winning friend. She gave me the push I needed.  I kept thinking if someone like her believes I can do it, then maybe I can.  The next week we booked our flight and hotel. I spent the next month and a half performing and rehearsing. If I was going to go, I needed to make sure I gave a decent performance. As much as I wanted to win, I didn't expect to. I know that there are all kinds of factors that go into those decisions that are beyond my control. But what was in my control was to make sure I didn't go out there and choke and embarrass myself.  When we got there. I went into meltdown/freakout mode (again). And again, I was like "what the hell am I doing here, I'm not ready for this" While Jeff slept, I admitted that I was scared on the Internet. The outpouring of love really helped me get through it. Until I got to the venue, went through sound check, had a bad sound check, got intimidated by my fellow competitors. At this point, I'm just going to do what I can to tell the story. I was the last singer to compete. I told my story. The audience reacted. At that point I got what I came for.  This audience who didn't know me from Adam, laughed in all the right places and responded the way I expected.  I had my validation. I walked off that stage to the back of the bar where Jeff was almost in tears..."You've won this" I told him "No I haven't, but I got what I came for at this point it's all good" I changed clothes and grabbed a drink and waited for the rest of the performers to do their thing. Several people came up to me and told me how much they liked my number. And I was happy. One girl came up to me and said it moved her to tears. That made my night. I just wanted to reach someone, and I did.  When they came out to announce the winners, I was in complete shock when they said "From Los Angeles"  All I could say was "No" repeatedly.  And just like regionals I had problems getting to the stage because I was in complete shock. By the time they gave me my trophy I was in tears. I didn't expect to win. My winning friend was in the audience that night and said..."Didn't I tell you?".  Yeah she had. And then there was my husband, who was grinning ear to ear. After that everything was a blur.

Flash forward to this week. I'm getting ready for a show with a new act. I've had several bad days in a row. I've been in a funk for almost a week. I have barely spoken to my spouse. I'm mentally beating myself up over everything, but particularly the weight gain. I've been on the brink of tears for whatever reason.  The holidays are hard for me.  The anniversary of my dad's death was the day after Thanksgiving. We had another death in the family just before Thanksgiving. I had more family in town than I expected to as a result.  Several comments were made about my weight gain by my family, which I expected, but it still hurt.  The layoffs at work have really gotten to me, survivor's guilt I suppose. Self doubt has crept back into my brain, and all I want to do his retreat to my corner and not be near people. But I can't do that. I have to get out of this, and move on. I have to make the most of this last month of this awful year. So I decided to recap my year by writing this blog in hopes that getting out my feeling about the bad parts, and reminiscing about the good parts will help.  So there it is.  Here's hoping that December is decent and bracing myself for what is yet to come: bad or good.

I've Won A Burlesque Title...Now What?

October 3, 2016

It's been a long while since I wrote a blog. So much has happened in almost the year since I wrote my last one.  I guess writing this thing is cheaper than going to a therapist.  Which I probably need to see one soon.

The past few weeks I've been having weird anxiety.  Some really great stuff has happened in the last few months, but I'm somehow feeling completely uneasy about it. I guess it started with the Burlypicks regionals competition at the end of July.  The main reason I applied to Burlypicks this year is because I didn't get in last year.  Everything happens for a reason, even if I had gotten in, I would not have been able to compete because of the vocal cord damage I had due to acid reflux.  Now it was a year later and I was trying to get in. Not because I expected to win, but because I wanted to participate. I wanted to be on the same stage with all these performers I admire tremendously.  Well I got in.  That alone should have just made me happy. But now I had to make sure I proved that I belonged there.  That meant I had to give a good performance.  The pressure started build once I got in.

So I spent a month of getting ready, making sure everything was in competition ready condition. I didn't even know what the hell that meant. I was making preparations. The day before the competition, things changed very suddenly with my day job and added to my stress.  I was offered a position that wasn't a promotion, wasn't going to give me a raise, that was going to be a lot more work. And they wanted an answer the next day, meaning the day of the competition. I negotiated for more time, which meant I had the weekend to think about it. The day of the competition was a complete mess. I felt like a million emotions all at once and couldn't process any of them. I was sitting at my desk at work in tears from the anxiety. Jeff, my husband, tried to help via g-chat.  But I was losing it.  It was a mix of fear,  of not being ready, to wanting to win, to not wanting to win, to just wanting to be good enough, but not feeling good enough.  It was awful.  My friend and fellow burlesquer calmed me down via text.  I was able to get through the rest of the day without more tears, but the anxiety was still there.

The evening did not go as planned.  Although everyone was very nice backstage, the amount of people was starting to add to my panic.  Then I had to do sound check and there were a million people around. I had some issues during my sound check, and everyone was there to hear it.  It was beyond nerve wrecking.  I got through it some how. Long story short, I won the singing part of the competition.  Everyone else knew I was going to win...except for me.  I thought this would be the end.  But now Jeff was saying we were going to Pittsburgh for the final round.  I wasn't mentally prepared to do this. I didn't expect to win.  I didn't expect to make it this far. I just wanted to perform.  Now I have to prepare for a trip I couldn't afford, to go and lose in another state that I've never been to. There was no way I was ready for this.  But at this point I decided to compete, and now I'm dealing with this consequences. That's how I saw it.

It's a month and a half later, we've booked our flight to Pittsburgh, we made reservations for the hotel. I've reached out to the Burlypicks organizers and confirmed I'm coming to compete. The day before we left I really started to fall apart at the seams. My nerves were getting the best of me.  All my self-doubt was taking over and again the emotional rollercoaster was starting. I had to question why I was doing this.  Why didn't I leave well enough alone and just be satisfied with winning the regionals.  Now I was about to make an ass out of myself on the other side of the US without my friends being there. I wanted to win, but was trying to prep for losing.  This is my first competition, and no one knew who the hell I was.  I couldn't expect to win.  The only thing I could hope for was just a good memorable performance.  Well it was a good performance and I won.  I was both happy and freaked out about the whole thing.

So I came home with a trophy.  And everyone was happy for me. Now I have this award/title thing and I don't know what to do.  People were congratulating me and I thanked them. Then all of a sudden I had the strangest reaction to all this. I became completely weird about it.  I started feel almost embarrassed that I had won. I didn't know how to act.  Then the pressure to be excellent in every show I was in started to build.  I was struggling with the expectations of this.  Now everyone, including Jeff, is now talking about the next festivals or competitions I needed to submit for.  I wasn't ready to even think about it.  I was beginning to think that maybe I would stop here.  Just go out on top with the one competition. But everyone says I have to keep going.  I'm not sure I have the stomach or the stamina to do this.  The pressure to find the next "Cookie Monster" has started to set in.  Now I worry about the steps I'm taking, or which direction to go. I'm completely freaked out about all of it.

I felt like something was wrong with me yesterday. But I couldn't tell what it was.  Then today, this terrible feeling hit me so hard that I couldn't focus or make a decision.  I didn't sleep last night.  I tossed and turned.  And then I had some kind of panic attack that was so overwhelming. I couldn't breathe, my heart was racing, my mind was racing. I felt completely out of control. I was already late for work because I overslept, but now I can't bring myself to make a decision to move forward and get on with my day. I had to call in sick. I spent an hour and a half trying to calm myself down in my apartment all alone.  I finally went to sleep for a bit. But when I woke up I felt worse than I did before I went to sleep.  I've been uneasy all day. I haven't left my apartment, not even for food. I'm a mess and I'm not even sure why.

I thought writing this all down would make me feel better.  But now that it's down in front of me in black and white, I don't feel better. I feel pathetic.  People have much bigger problems and I'm having a nervous breakdown because of what? I was given an award for one act, and now I don't know what to do. That sounds stupid and pathetic. I feel like an idiot. An anxiety ridden idiot.